Jun. 19th, 2015

lollypox: (Priceless Poly)
For the last few weeks, I've noticed my lovely girlfriend pulling away from me, emotionally. Nothing overt or really rude or anything, but I sensed that she was drifting away.

Talking about feelings is hard for her, sometimes. Harder than it is for me, apparently, and so I try to coax her when I feel like we should talk. However, we also had some other things distracting us. Her work situation heated up and suddenly she didn't have any spare time at all.

But I kind of got confirmation about that. She said that she didn't want me to disappear.

And it was really hard for her to say that.

The thing is, I don't want to disappear. I don't intend to. This stopped being a fling a long time ago, and we've woven our lives together. I don't want to break either of their hearts, or disappear from their children's lives.

And the fact remains that while I am finally going to see my husband, and will finally be able to discuss this with him, and while his needs are a priority, my needs are important, too.

I have no intention of being unreasonable. I also have no intention of throwing ANYONE under the bus. There is no reason why we can't continue this relationship. I can maintain my relationship with my husband and also maintain my relationship with my other significant others.

They're significant.

I also know that my husband might look me in the eye and say, "I know you have stories. I don't want to talk about any of your romantic adventures until September."
He might say, "So, about those two: How long have you been with them?"
My mental model of him is as complete as it could be, and I still don't know how he's going to feel about this stuff.

But I needed to make it clear to my Lovelies that my relationship with THEM is important to me, too. This stopped being something I could treat as temporary.

Plus, I've had primary relationship partners veto side relationships before; it does NOT end well.

My husband is going to return to me a changed person. He is going to be different because of his experience. He is going to be different because we weren't "together" for the last several years. I plan to embrace him, and the person he has become. I will not freak out that he's not the same person he was when he left. I'm ready to learn his new strengths, and shore him up where he has weakened. I know that our relationship is going to be a process, and I look forward to rebuilding the beautiful arch that we have always been. If the architecture changes, I'm prepared for that as well.

But he has to be ready to deal with the changes in me, too. What I bring to the table has changed. Who I associate with has changed. I have my own new strengths and my own weaknesses. So I'm hoping that we can just embrace one another and learn how to be whatever we are going to become, together.

Things are about to get complicated, and that scares my girlfriend.
And yet, in some ways they're also about to get really really simple. I'm looking forward to *that*.


Complicated is all right. )

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