lollypox: (Priceless Poly)
The March schedule is packed tightly, and I have FINALLY gotten my lovelies to actually look at the damn thing and make some choices about when we can connect. Just barely. We're still figuring most of it out.

I'm a fairly low-maintenence playmate. I don't really require much, just honesty and communication. Well, and sexy play times. However, I file scheduling issues under communication.

March is brutal for them as well, which is part of the problem in both directions. I'd take initiative and just make plans, but I'm missing some of the data. Knowing this, I posted all of my scheduled weirdness into my Google calendar and gave them access. (Actually, I gave them access months ago, when I realized that it would be easier for them to take my data and make calculations than for me to try to get all of their data sorted.) I also compiled an email outlining my schedule by linear date, and made suggestions as to what I could do and when.

It's not like I need them to make all the planning or decisions, but I need them to answer my questions and give me the information I need.

For example, in my world: The month opened with a big event.
A close family member has a birthday this month. This usually eats up two different days for a variety of reasons.
A very close friend is having surgery this month, and I'd like to be there for some of the recovery period.
My workplace has some special needs in the form of events.
I'm running a fundraiser at the end of the month.
I have a client in my sideline job with a hard deadline fast approaching. (Beware the Ides of March.)
I have a big anniversary on the first of April.
And as usual, I work 5 days of the week and they're rarely the same five days from week to week.

In their world: The month opened with an event.
Spring break for the spawn is different than spring break for one of the parents. This sucks for a variety of reasons. Said parent will also be taking students out of town for most of a week in between the two spring breaks.
And as much as I'd like to just blow the rest of my vacation and take the last three weeks of March off, there's no way.

So I've been nudging, and asking, and talking, and suggesting, and emailing, and texting, and banging on them to let me know how they want to handle all of the above together.

I've had to remind them that the offers of my time have expiration dates because I have other friends, loved ones, family members, and people paying me for my time who want a slice of me.

---and a small piece of my brain is whispering nefarious things in the back corner of my mind. What with a Very Important Talk in the queue, part of me wonders if this is simply the crazy busy nature of the season or if I'm being pushed to the outside.

To be fair, I have strong self-esteem. I know my worth and my value. I rarely manifest insecurities in the face of relationship problems. There is only one person like me in the universe, and I'm pretty amazing. So it's less a matter of "am I good enough?" and more a matter of, "Oh, crap. Are they not able to handle this?"
So far, they HAVE been able to handle it, and it's been a year, so I'm not actively worried.

Just kind of passively worried.
This is not helping me deal with March.


I'm very annoyed with March. It can march right the fuck on, thanks.
lollypox: (Satyr)
The weekend of the 14th was full of upheaval and terror, but not in my relationship.

There was a car accident. No one was seriously hurt, but their vehicle was totaled.

This dramatically shifted the timbre of the weekend, of course.

I still gave them the gift I had planned, but instead of a romantic date, they used the time to recover and deal with logistics. I had a fantastic time, though. I'd saved some money aside for it and I took the kiddos to an arcade and a movie. It was an awesome day for us.

They also better understand about my schedule and my needs on Sundays, so things are becoming much more awesome.

But it does mean that we didn't get in any play time that weekend. Oh well.

This past weekend was all the things, all the time.
Our anniversary, for one thing. That annual event that seems to have all the right circumstances for us to connect was, as usual, very uneven but overall great.
We got to have some time together, we got to have some social time with lots of other people, and the two of them were publicly affectionate with me, which is something that continues to surprise me. I'm not surprised by the affection so much as I am surprised by how much I enjoy it.

And we opened ourselves to new experiences, which was also amazing. I'm only going to say that I learned that four grown adults do not in fact fit in a double-bed.

I've requested a check-in conversation, which I desperately need. He agrees; she hasn't said anything either way. The check-in isn't negative; I want to talk about how amazing everything was, discuss the ways in which this might shift any boundaries, and double-check that we're all on the same page (or at least the same chapter) about everything.

I also want to reassure my girlfriend that I worship and adore her. I honestly don't know if she needs this reassurance, but I need to give it.

The good news is that I get to have lunch with her today. The bad news is that I am then working 6 days in a row straight through the weekend.
ANd the following weekend is a more different event.

It's a busy season.

Hence, the check-in.
Checking in is what affords us Grace, after all.
lollypox: (the wolf who wins)
Friday and Saturday of last weekend were just completely awesome.

There was an erotic art exhibit/event/circus going on, and She had a booth and some art in the display. I was her Plus One for Friday, and He was her Plus One for Saturday.
Friday, I had a friend coordinate with me to do some performance art/costuming stuff, and we were adorable. The event was nifty, and I got to look at all the art with two friends who are professional artists. I ran into many friends and family members at the event, which is always neat. (Some of them were surprised to see me; I guess I'm not getting out as often as I used to.)

And of course I was in her orbit; circling back to the booth as often as I could, going outside with her to get some air from time to time, directing people to her booth (as I was wearing her wares.) My other friend had to go home early, so I stayed until closing and rode home with Her.
Now, mind you, He had suggested to me that I get her revved up so we could have some play time when we got home, but to be honest standing around on concrete floors all night had left us both kind of tired, and she was exhausted from working the booth all night.

So instead, we all went to sleep and in the morning there was time for us to be together. I had planned to be on kid duty for Saturday night, but apparently the kiddos were having a night at their grandmother's house instead. So I got to go the second night, too, as His date. (Had to pay my way in, but it was worth it.)
I must say that looking at an art exhibit with my artist friends is one kind of experience. Looking at erotic art with my boyfriend is a significantly different experience. Heh.

We had a lovely time and I even found the secret room of chairs so I was able to sit for a bit here and there. He spent the whole evening standing in my space, holding my hand from time to time, sneaking kisses, and whispering naughty things in my ear. He apparently had PLANS for when we all got home.

Afterward, She wanted to get food, so we did. As we'd eaten at like 5pm, we were all hungry. We got back to the house between 2:30 and 3am. I had to work the next day, and reminded them of that. She was once again wiped out so they went to bed and I went to bed. He called out, "First one up wakes the others!"

I set my alarm for 10, mostly as a reminder to get in the shower, not as a wake-up call. He is something of a rooster; up at dawn no matter what, so I assumed that he'd be waking me up earlier than that.

So when my alarm woke me I was surprised. I went in to their room and sure enough he was awake. I snuggled with them for a few minutes and then let them know that I had to get ready for work. I have to leave their house by 11 on Sundays. This has been true for a year. The only time it changes is when I have to go in earlier.
And yet, they wanted to drag me back to bed for fun times. I didn't have the time.

I finally hopped in the shower and got my work duds on, came in to get my suitcase and I'm still getting dragged back into the bed. I explained that I had all my costume stuff to pack up and load into the car yet, and it was ten minutes to 11.

So I flew out of there like a bat out of hell, and just barely managed to get to work on time. There wasn't time for long goodbyes or anything; I didn't actually leave until 11:10.

And yeah, I was annoyed. My mood flipped over fast and hard and there was no salvaging it. I just needed to take care of my business.
When I walked in the door at work, I texted them to say I'd gotten there on time. I got a flurry of texts back, all variations of "Are you angry? What's wrong?"

I did my shift at work.
I went home.
I told my housemates to leave me be, that I wasn't having a good day. I got on IM with a friend who is extremely understanding and she offered to help me unpack my feelings, which I did.

I got the thing untangled, and there was plenty of stuff in there that had nothing to do with my Lovelies or anything that happened that weekend. My stress levels were very high, even with the fun we were having, and the small inconsiderate actions on Sunday really hit me harder than they normally would.

But I had to spend the week consoling Them about my meltdown. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

I'm usually low-maintenance, but from time to time I need a bit more. I get it that my partners (most of my partners, throughout my life) are blindsided by my suddenly needing a lot more than I normally do. I'm fairly self-sufficient and I communicate openly about my thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, if I go into a dark place, my communication skills dry up on me.

And I admit, the Black Wolf spoke this time. The Black Wolf wanted to just put the two of them on radio silence for a week and then ask them how they like it? The Black Wolf has a hard time letting go of the fact that they pushed me away the first time and she's constantly looking for clues that it will happen again.

Fortunately, this is not the wolf I feed. Fortunately, I don't give in to my passive-aggressive side, I work hard to avoid falling back on the bad patterns I was raised with. Fortunately, I was able to untangle the knot and I can talk about what happened and why.

And fortunately, my lovers care about me, and care about my needs. Fortunately, they draw forth my best qualities, most of the time. Fortunately, I can give them a wonderful gift this weekend, and give one to myself at the same time.
lollypox: (Satyr)
So he came back to me a day later and decided that yes, he wanted to take advantage of my offer to give her a lovely Valentine's day evening.

His plan was to take her out for steaks, then to a romantic movie. He was really excited about it, too.
This meant I was doing the Mary Poppins thing at their house, which is perfectly OK with me.

So I settled everything in my mind, and started to make plans.


There will be a separate post about the rest of the weekend soon; it was epic in all directions (including down).


So this week I get a message from him that they decided to rearrange the weekend. They want to go to a party on Friday, together, so they wanted me to sit for the kids then, instead of on Valentine's day.

Cue the facepalm.

I'd like to point out that part of the reason for my offer was to get some time with the kids, just me and them. I had actual plans of things I wanted to do (craft projects and maybe even going out to dinner or to a movie) and this threw a wrench in all of that planning.
So I thought about it and responded that while I have no problem providing them with child care on Friday night (which means food, bedtime, and I watch a movie while the kids are asleep), I still wanted MY day with the kids on Saturday.

Now, they also said that they wanted to have a nice romantic dinner with me on Valentine's day, which I'm ambivalent about.

So while they were surprised that I still wanted to take the kids (why the surprise, really? I love those kids. I like taking them out to do fun things, or doing craft projects with them) they were still on board with it.
Of course, of all the kids' movies out right now, they've seen them all. I'll see which one their favorite is and we can go see that. Hell, even if they want to see spongebob squarepants I'll probably drop the cash for it. I'm not a fan but this is about the kiddos.

So here's hoping the weekend goes well. I had rather hoped to give them a romantic evening without kids underfoot and get in some kid time myself, but it looks like it's really just going to be the same kind of family weekend we always have.
Not that it's a bad thing, really, just not what I tried to arrange. Oh well.
lollypox: (Satyr)
I wrote some background information in the previous post. Go read it.

It's cool. I can wait.

Done? Good.
Valentine's Day Massacre )
lollypox: (Satyr)
Sigh.

Let me tell you a story. My parents met in college, had a lovely courtship, and married in 1969. I've seen the photos and even some of the film footage; they were an affectionate couple.

My father is a generous person. He will help anyone who needs him any time he was available. If he has a thing, and you need that thing, he will give you the thing. His generosity is so well-known that people will gift him with things, knowing that he will find someone who needs it. Appliances, for example. Cars. Tools. Building materials. This kind of thing.

But this bountiful generosity has it's flip side. He won't spend money. Not on you, not on his kids, not on his wife. He won't participate in obligatory gift celebrations. Once, we were on our way out the door to a family member's birthday party and I asked him where his present was. His answer? "My presence is my present."

He never gave my mother any jewelry of any kind, not even an engagement ring or wedding ring. He never gave her anything for Valentine's day, Christmas, Mother's day, or her birthday. Ok, one year at Mother's day, he gave her a handcrafted card with a picture of a dishwasher pasted in it.
Because earlier that spring he had installed a dishwasher in the kitchen.

Go ahead and let that sink in.

One year at Christmas, when we were exchanging gifts, my younger sibling asked my father where his gift for my mother was. My father didn't answer, but the following year, there was a single item wrapped in the comics pages of the newspaper, with my mother's name on it. Every year after that, there was a gift for my mother from my father under the tree. (until they divorced.)

Now, I'm not a commercial person. I've warned my lovers in the past that gifting can be complicated because I have a lot of floral allergies (and a weird relationship with flowers anyway.) I also have certain periods during the year where I don't consume processed sugar, and Valentine's day falls in one of those periods. I love jewelry, but I'm not overfond of diamonds. (Colored stones, on the other hand... WHOO!)

I love to give presents. My mom does, too. She kept a hoard of potential gifts so that she would never be caught out without a nice present for a party or occasion. I love to receive presents. I really do. But my relationship to gifting is... complicated.

Gosh. Thanks, Father.

When my mother remarried, she discovered that her current husband had some horrific experiences with gifting in his history. His ex wife demanded the most expensive gifts, given on a specific timetable, and certain very specific things for the major holidays. He would put himself further and further into debt buying her gold and diamonds and flowers and things, and her response was to tell him that it was still not good enough for *her*.

So Mom explained her history. He was horrified by my father's treatment of my mother, and vowed to play the gift game with my Mom.
And I pulled him aside and explained that my mother has ridiculously cheap taste. In fact, costume jewelry makes her squee and she's just as happy with a cubic zirconia snagged in a wal-mart sale as she would be with a Hearts On Fire something or other. Heck, all of the "real" jewelry she owned came from me when I was working the fine jewelry counter at a discount department store. I wanted my mother to have shiny things. :D

I have my own story about Valentine's Day, probably chronicled here, where my husband and I worked out a deal: He writes me a love letter, every year. I write him one. This is Valentine's Day for us. And it works.

So. Now you have some important background information. Stay tuned.

Lunch date

Jan. 20th, 2015 09:56 pm
lollypox: (Satyr)
I managed to get them to meet me for lunch today. He had some things to attend to and took a day off to manage them.

But I asked about getting together for lunch and that was more than acceptable.

We ate, and talked about things like change. He's contemplating a new career, and this is very scary for everyone because it's a risk and an unknown.

I've been very supportive through all of this, and I took the opportunity to point out two things that they might not have considered:

1. Last year, they made a massive, sweeping change to their lives. It took time and work, but the changes are positive and the outcome is making everyone's lives easier and more pleasant.
He blinked at me in surprise and didn't know what I meant.
She smiled and nodded knowingly, and agreed with me.
We both explained to him that I was referring to the part where they added me to their lives.
Big change, scary at times, required work, but worth it in the end.

2. As a result of that change, they have more resources than they did two years ago when he first started thinking about this. They have a third adult to help with logistics. They have a person who can step in and take over kid duty if needed. They have a person who can help get the kids to school or home from school. They have someone to vent to if necessary.

And the two of them looked at each other and I could see some of the anxiety dissipate. I pointed out that when He goes out of town for his job (a trip that happens every year and is a week long) she will have me to help out, and in fact I'll just move in for the week and be a helpful second adult in the house.

So while my lunch date didn't include any intimate time, it did include some good conversation and affection.

I get to go over there on Friday to spend the night. I'm excited about that.

I'm also going to their place for their Superbowl Party which is a non-football party on the night of the game for people who don't care about football. Their theme is Superheroes. I might even costume for it.

After all, we're a Super Team, ourselves. Probably more Justice League than Avengers, but hey. (If we're Avengers, I'm still Tony Stark, as it happens. He is my Steve. Mwa ha ha.)

The Well

Jan. 14th, 2015 09:46 pm
lollypox: (lick lolly)
One of the conversations that comes up regularly amongst my lovers is the concept that I'm a bottomless well when it comes to affection, intimacy, and sex.

I'm also finding that my "bottomless" nature seems to be rubbing off on them as well.

However, our reunion was epic indeed. There was a lot of play time worked into the few precious hours we had alone together, and when we were out of time I found myself feeling very satisfied and glutted.

And later on, commented that perhaps I finally found the bottom of the well. Being that He often feels that my bottomless nature is a challenge, I was surprised that he didn't react more strongly to this remark, but on the other hand I think we all found the bottom of the well together.

And now I must share a cuteness moment.

She had gotten up from the bed, and he and I rolled together to snuggle. One thing I love to do with him is hold him to my chest and wind myself around him. This is incredibly cuddly and soothing and wonderful for both of us, and apparently really cute to an outside observer. She turned, saw us twined together this way, made a cooing noise and said that we looked like John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

I took exception to that, but only responded, "I don't wanna be Yoko. She broke up the band."

He murmured against my skin, "But she was the greatest love of John Lennon's life."

And She chuckled and said, "I mean a specific photo. You two look just like that."

I think I found the photograph She was referring to.

Because yeah, it was a lot like that. Except that He doesn't look like John Lennon and I don't look like Yoko Ono. LOL.
lollypox: (lick lolly)
This has been a strange year.

I don't make resolutions and I don't waste time on regrets. However, I like to reflect on the year, or a concept, or make some kind of plot about the next year.

2014
Opened quietly, and I was up to my elbows in projects everywhere. I overcommitted myself in the late winter and early spring.
My job overcommitted me heavily, after I'd lodged a protest about that very thing during 2013.
I branched out, seeking a new event in a state I'd never been to, visiting cities I'd never seen, and spending some one on one time with my mother.
Speaking of one-on-one time, I started seeking time like this with my friends more often, rather than the huge "EVERYONE AT ONCE" experience of big parties.
I was on-task for many of my events this year, and since some of them won't be repeated again, that was really nice.
I got more business for my side business, which was also nice.
I had a series of roommates, though I will miss the Matched Set the most. Best roommates ever; paid rent on time, didn't bring too much stuff, liked their space and decorated it heavily, had an awesome pet, loved to discuss fanfiction with me, and were generally fun to be around. They also knew how to keep to themselves.
One of my roommates has been out of work and unable to pay rent. On the other hand she contributes heavily to my sanity and helps with the house and yard work. While this does not erase her debt to me, it does decrease it quite a lot.
The other current roommate has some of the hallmarks of a good roommate and some of the hallmarks of a bad one. We'll see how that works out.

Of course, the big news in my year are the two wonderful lovers I've welcomed back into my life, and their influence is all over my world. We chose our path carefully this time and what we are building is stable, sane, and sustainable. It is also filled with love, affection, respect, adoration, and intense chemistry.

It is their influence that brings me to contemplate the word "Joy" for the season.

2015 is crowding into place. It is eager to meet me and has tons of stuff for me. I can almost picture it behind the door, dancing in place, wearing a huge backpack bulging with random shapes.

The big news for the new year is that this is the year that my husband returns to me. This is the year that I can perhaps stop treading water and start to swim again. This is the year when I can start to plan my life and my future again, with him.

This is the year when I will be in charge of things that I set in motion years ago. This is the year when I get to share my vision, so I had better be clear and focused on that.

This is the year when everything will change, and while change is scary, it's something I'm reasonably good at.

So my plans for the year include:
Finding my husband a new job (or helping him regain his previous one.)
Seeking out more side business
Intense quality time with my beautiful lovers
Intense quality time with my husband upon his return
Negotiating what the hell to do with all of that when he's back home
Attending events and promoting my own events
More singing
More dancing
Tune the piano and encourage my husband to play for me
Settling debts
Learning more about myself.

These aren't things I 'resolve' to do. These are actual plans.

My future's so bright, I have to wear shades!
lollypox: (Angry goat)
What makes someone a creeper?


I boil it down to a feeling of being unsafe around that person. I suspect that everyone's "Creep-O-Meter" goes off if they feel uncomfortable around someone, but for me it's really a matter of feeling unsafe, like the creep in question poses some kind of threat to me.

This is why it's sometimes hard to come up with a list of "no-nos" or "dos-and-don'ts" to avoid being a creeper. Different people react differently to different situations. Plus, we all have an emotional component to the "creep-out" feeling.

So here's my intellectualized list of things that could make someone a creep:

1. Predatory Behavior. This is the big one. The scary thing is that successful predators are good at hiding their intentions. Unsuccessful or marginally-successful predators are the ones who show their "creepiness". So what does this mean? Predators take advantage of people's weakness. Predators are looking to get something for nothing. Predators use people.
A predator could be planning to rape someone. That's an extreme example, though. Some predators are merely looking for someone to pay attention to them. Some predators are looking for someone to sucker into doing a favor for them. Some are selling something, either literally or figuratively.
Predators try to trick, coerce, or force people to give them what they want.
If you want actual friends, and human connections with people, don't be a predator.

2. Spectator Behavior. Unless you've paid for the privilege of staring at people doing their sparkly thing, you shouldn't lurk in the shadows staring at people. I realize that most spectators are either painfully shy, riddled with social anxiety, or have no good practice being social. (or all three.) However, this can give everyone else in the room a creep-out because you're just staring like the rest of us are a TV or Computer screen.
If you are in a social situation, it's important to actually be social, at least a little bit.

3. Boorish behavior. In truth, a boor is more likely to be identified as an asshole or a bitch. Boorish behavior includes talking over people, ranting at some length on a subject that is boring the room, or inflicting your opinion on someone who did not ask for it.
How to avoid being a boor? Ask people questions. Then listen to the answers. Don't just wait to jump back in and share YOUR story.

4. Bullying behavior. When I catch people at this, I call them on it. If I see them continue the behavior, I give them an invitation to the world. (And a dis-invitation to my social circle.) And here's the thing; I've figured out that sexual harassment is *in fact, simply another form of bullying*. A bully uses their perceived advantage over someone else to cause that person harm or humiliation. Or they use the threat of harm or humiliation to get that person to do whatever they want. That's it.
Bullying other people does not make you look awesome. It makes you look like a creep.

"Oh, Lollypox," I can hear you say now. "How do I avoid being a creep?"

1. Do nice things for people. Do it because being nice is awesome, not because you're looking for some kind of reward or repayment. If you do nice things to get something back, you're making a transaction. Transactions aren't "Being nice". If you walked up to someone and said, "Here, have a sandwich," and that person responds, "Wow, that's great. I haven't eaten all day!" you're being nice.
If you respond with, "No problem. It's only ten dollars. I can take cash or a check," you're not doing something nice for someone, you're doing intensely focused marketing. Which is most certainly NOT nice.

2. "There you are!" verses "Here I am!" When you see people you know, give them the "Hey, there you are!" response rather than the "Here I am!" greeting. Show people that you are glad to see them, or happy to meet them. You don't need to be obsequious, but remember that a smile can go a long way toward showing someone that you enjoy their presence. If you see someone doing or saying something that you think is amazing, say so.
Bonus tip: If you start a conversation with someone like this, but they change the subject or blow you off, don't get in a huff. Let them go, and talk to some other person.

3. But while we're talking about it, "Here I am!"
You have something about you that is kind of awesome. You probably have many things about you that would be interesting to other people. Maybe you just read a really interesting book. Perhaps you happen to like a certain musical artist. There could be any number of things that you do, think about, or are interested in learning more about. If you don't think that you have anything interesting to talk about, do a little research. Someone might come up to you and say, "There you are!", so you should be prepared to answer them when they ask about you.

4. Learn grace.
This one is kind of hard to explain. Grace means that when something happens that is disappointing to you, instead of raging out you accept the disappointment and move on. If you're talking to some sexy person and they blow you off, simply turn and find someone else to talk to. If your joke goes over like a lead balloon, just shrug and change the subject.

5. Personal space is personal.
Other than a handshake, it is not appropriate to touch anyone without explicit permission. It is not usually appropriate to ask permission (and therefore touch anyone) whom you have just met.
Each person's personal space bubble is going to be a different size, but if you pay attention to the people around you, they will let you know with body language where the edge of their comfort zone is.
For example, my comfort bubble reaches the end of my arm with a complete stranger. With a friend who I like, but don't trust yet, maybe my elbow. Those I trust have my permission to touch me, and my "personal space" virtually disappears.
So don't try to put an arm around someone unless you know that you're allowed to do that. Also don't try to kiss, fondle, grab, grope, massage, lick, sniff, handle, or rub up against someone without their permission.


Now, I only barely touched on the real creep-factors of sexual harassment, assault, and the like. I could write a whole essay on that subject, too. All I can really say is that all of the above applies, whether the social event is a convention, an office party, a wedding, or a sexually themed party. The above advice is in place if you're wearing a suit and tie, an evening gown, a swimming suit, PJs, a costume, jeans, or two ounces of artfully applied liquid latex. The above advice is true for men and women alike.

I hope that this puts some minds at rest, and also that it gives some people food for thought. I am actively interested in feedback, so I'm unlocking the comments for this particular entry. I'm also allowing "anonymous" commenting as well, though it is always appreciated if you sign your comments. A nome de plume is perfectly acceptable.
lollypox: (Lollypop)
My girlfriend loves me.
Sometimes I get some kind of reminder about this and I want to twirl around singing about it. I should say that my girlfriend loves me *well*. She remembers to tell me that she loves me. She lets me know that she misses me when we are apart. She's recently taken to showing me her affection in new and profound ways.
She is the bestest girlfriend I've ever had. I'm going to miss her terribly when she's gone on her trip.

My boyfriend loves me.
He never fails to show me his affection, as he is a very demonstrative person. And yet, when I reach for his hand, or reach for him, or give him an appreciative eyebrow when he takes his shirt off, he gives me such a glowing smile in return. (Doesn't everyone appreciate their significant other when they take their clothes off? I mean, really? Come on.)

I snuck in another visit before they go. I didn't have a lot of time to spend, but I picked up some tasty lunch treats and presented them with food and smoothies. She's not feeling well, but I wanted to hug her and kiss her anyway. Her response was to pout and say that she wanted to kiss all over my face but didn't want to give me her cold.
I laughed and said that if she was going to give it to me, she'd have done so already and I'm not afraid of her spit anyway.

He did kiss all over my face.

So it's an uppy-downy day. Happy to see them, sad to see them leave. I wish I could sneak in more time but there is not any time to be had.

I'll probably wind up writing them poetry and songs and sonnets while they're gone. Their trip will take them out of communication range, so there will be radio silence until after the new year.

Sigh.

On the other hand? Epic reunion. Epic.

On the other other hand? I get to see my husband on January 3rd and 4th, so I won't be mooning the whole time.

And that's my Christmas Present to myself.
lollypox: (Satyr)
Went to my lovelies' house for a Yule celebration last night. Libations, noshables, and a lovely fire in the back yard. I mostly found myself in Her orbit, though I got to sit with him at the fire.

One of their traditions is to put wishes into the fire, and I did so.

I won't say what my wishes were, but I'm sure anyone who knows me can guess.

I will miss them while they are gone. They're leaving on the 25th for a family trip. They will return January 4th.

I myself am going on a different family trip from January 1-5th.

Somehow I think our reunion will be epic.
lollypox: (Satyr)
Usually when he calls, I don't tell him where I am unless it is relevant. If he hears restaurant noise, he might ask where I am. If he hears people talking he might ask if I'm at a meeting or a party or something.

And often times if I'm at the house of my Lovelies, he works it out quickly because one or more of the household comes up to talk to me while I'm on the phone. I try to step outside or in the bathroom sometimes.

However, when it comes out that I'm there, he usually does a very knowing "Uh-huh."

I wish he'd just ask me, frankly. Our don't tell policy is in place for really good reasons, but part of being poly for me is talking about things. No, he doesn't want his nose rubbed in my adventures while he's in there. Yes, he trusts me to do what I will.

And yes, he knows that I have a history with these people. My being over there all the time has him with his eyebrows up.

So the last time he called while I was at their house, they offered me a quiet room in which to have my conversation. It was really nice.
Then he called again the next day and I was at a different friend's house. In that instance, I had him talk to her because she misses him, too.

I also warned him that I might velcro myself to his face, and that when he needs solitude he should tell me. I let him know that I am fully prepared to give him space and privacy (which he has been doing without for four years) whenever he needs it.
Of course, that means I might go to the house of my lovely friends, and I hope that does not cause drama.

But we'll have to play it by ear.

I love my husband, and I am eager to get him back. I'm eager to get him home and let him do what he wants to do. I'm eager to have him here as the other side of my archway.

Fortunately I have flying buttresses of support as well.

I'm also eager to pimp him out, but that's another post for another day.
lollypox: (Satyr)
My husband appears to be looking forward to coming home.
I've told him about my plans when he returns, which include things like special "Us" time, alone time for him (because he gets precious little of it where he is now), and letting him lay in a pile of carefully selected hot ladies.

In the past, he's listened politely and made non-commital noises when I discuss such plans with him. I figured that he was trying hard not to think too hard about what freedom will taste like.
Suddenly, it's close enough that he's wanting to talk about it more.

So this hilarious thing happened, when our wires got crossed.

I was at that big event, and on the last day I was at dinner with a couple of friends when he called. I chatted with him about how the weekend went, and at the very end of our (timed) conversation, I said, "Everyone misses you, and everyone is asking after you. Some of them are asking about you in inappropriate ways."

He wanted to know who it was and what happened.
As it was kind of a long story, I didn't want to get into it and told him I'd talk to him about it later.
His response was: "Tell to knock it off."

He does not know that my lovely boyfriend is my lovely boyfriend; he simply named him (first and last name.)

And I was shocked, but responded, "No, nothing like that. I'll tell you later."

I had been really confused for a variety of reasons.
First of all it was weird that he named that particular person. I suspected that HE suspected that there was something going on. I'm not allowed to discuss my affairs with him, but he's called several times when I was at their house. He knows that they're part of my life one way or the other. I wondered if that crack indicated that he wasn't "Fooled" though it is not my intention to "fool" him, only to follow his instruction to not discuss it.

Secondly, I struggled to figure out how my lovely boyfriend could or would ask after my husband in a way that was inappropriate. Or more precisely, I had no idea what my husband was thinking. How would my boyfriend ask after him in an inappropriate way?

Thirdly, I was reeling from the truth of the matter; that it was my husband's best friend who was asking after him in an inappropriate way. His best friend came up to me while I was in the company of a child and asked a lot of questions about my husband's incarceration and subsequent release. I tried to be dismissive, but I knew that if I simply told him to bugger off, it would alert the child in question to the importance of the conversation so I had to grit my teeth and give innocuous answers until he went away. I was really pissed off, and a small part of the reason is that my husband's best friend is also my ex. He knows me well, and I know that he understood that he was doing something that pissed me off. In fact, later on he did seek me out and apologize. What a dumbass.

So I was really confused and missed the clue.

See, my husband heard what I said and translated it to mean that there were people asking after him in *sexy* ways.

And therefore I get to turn my brain around AGAIN.

After I talked to my husband and explained what his friend had done, he laughed (and groaned) and agreed that such shenanigans are very in character for that particular friend.

It wasn't until after both talking to my husband and reading his letter on the subject that I realized that he was thinking in sexy/inappropriate terms.

And here's the part that makes my hair stand on end:

He thought I was talking about people asking after him in sexy ways. Instead of asking if it was this lady or that lady, he immediately went to *my lovely boyfriend.*
My lovely BI boyfriend.

My lovelies actually have a hard and fast rule about how they play; everyone plays or no one plays. He's probably "more bi" than she is, but they're both picky. When I got involved with them the first time I asked if I could bring my MP along (wasn't my husband then) and was told that unless he was willing to play with both of them he couldn't come and play. My husband knows this; and has been very clear about his heterosexuality.

So it's clear that what he was communicating was, "I know that you're with them, and I'm still not going to sleep with your boyfriend."

Unless of course what was happening there was my husband was considering sexy options in my circle of friends and the *first name he uttered to me* was the name of my boyfriend.

Well, a lady can hope, right?
LOL

In the mean time, I told my husband that we ought to exchange lists of ladies. On his part, so that I know who he might be interested in, and on my part a list of people I've vetted.

The middle of the venn diagram are the ones who will be invited to the pile. Hee hee.

And the thing is, there are people that I've already given a "pass" to. The exact phrase I've been using is, "If you *can* knock a piece off of that, you are welcome to do so."

Frankly, I have always been pretty good at sharing. I mean, I'd rather that my partner(s) exercise good taste when choosing additional partners, and I prefer low-drama situations but I'm pretty enthusiastic about my lovers' other loves.
lollypox: (the wolf who wins)
I mentioned that a friend of mine came over and... attempted to upgrade our friendship.

And at the time I was so bewildered that I had no real response other than to shut things down gently.

Having had a week to think about it, and no communication from him, I emailed him asking if we could speak on the phone. Every time I tried to write a note to him about things, it came out all wrong and I was writing defensively. So I realized that this needed to be a conversation, not a statement.

He called me this morning.

That conversation went really well. First of all, he opened by telling me how our friendship is paramount. Regardless of anything else, he wanted to be friends.
Excellent. I can work with this.
He then shared his feelings about what happened, which were mostly surprised happiness, and his astonishment that everything felt so "comfortable."

And that gives me my in, because "comfortable" is NOT where I am. So I explained that while I like him just fine, I practice consensual, ethical non-monogamy.
I further explained that while I had assumed that my boundaries were broad (and had conveyed that to him as well) it turns out that they're narrower than I had anticipated.

I found that it was important to me to convey that my reasons for setting this boundary had nothing to do with the quality of the experience, but to my objection to the situation.

I was successful on all fronts.
He was very respectful about the whole thing, and went on to say that my strong sense of ethics was a quality that he admired greatly about me.

And he understood completely, and recognized that I have a full enough plate right now, as well.

I didn't want to bring other people into this; I prefer to stand on my own and say, "I don't like that" rather than "My significant other doesn't like it when I do this." I have been known to use the "sorry my boyfriend/husband wouldn't approve" line, but I can only think of two times when I did so; one when I was NOT ATTACHED and was being pushed up on while I was at work by a creeper. The other time was last year when I hot, drunk young man was giving me a lap dance at a party, then tried to turn up the heat. I patted him on his little head and said, "Sweetie, I'm married. Sorry."
A friend at my elbow stared at me openmouthed. "I never expected to see you do that!"
"I needed a graceful exit, and he's a stranger."

Whereas with someone I like and respect, I'm much more willing to discuss the actual issue.

In fact, I suspect that this trait is what makes me so alluring to my friend, as well as many other people. I don't "fight" about random stuff. I don't play straw man argument cards. I don't hide behind other people's feelings. I handle my shit, and I do so openly. If I have a problem, I go find the person I have a problem with and discuss it with them.

And considering that I've figured out that my friend is likely in the same category as his special-needs kids, albeit very high-funcitoning, I suspect that my directness is not just a good quality; it's soothing to him.

So directness is what this called for. I was direct. I was clear. I successfully conveyed the message that "this is not ok" without it turning into "you suck; go away."

I kept my friend. This will probably turn into one of those things where, later, we both say, "remember that time we stepped wrong?"

Everything is ok. I leveled up.

And tonight, I get to see the people I really really WANT to make out with. Mwa ha ha...

Keep Calm

Oct. 14th, 2014 12:12 am
lollypox: (Satyr)
I'm working on gifts for my boyfriend.

That's the title he likes. Interestingly, I've shied away from that title for a long time. Over the years, I've referred to my male partners as "Partner", "Primary", "Um-Friend", "Date", and random other titles. I also shy away from "Girlfriend" as a title for myself. On the other hand, I don't mind using it to describe my female partners, and I'm mellowing with age on some things.

So he's my boyfriend. I'm their girlfriend. She's my girlfriend.

Though I mentioned my preferred titles; and in person he calls me Paramour.
*swoon*

I love that one. Old-fashioned, a bit illicit, and it sounds beautiful.

SO I'm making him a gift. I have the urge to go nuts and make him a bunch of gifts, as his auspicious day approaches. Knowing me, it will be great if I manage to get even one finished, but I'm working on it.

I'm conspiring with my girlfriend about it, too. Mwa ha ha!

I was considering ordering some custom shirts, and the smart-assed part of my was thinking about lots of poly-themed/adult things I could get for him. I'm not going to do it, mind you, but I thought I'd post them here for my own amusement (and the amusement of anyone who still reads me. LOL.)

"If you think my wife is hot, you should meet her girlfriend."
"TEAM PLAYER" (With sexy symbols)
"I work hard. I play harder."
"(Checkboxes) Poly, Bisexual, Kinky, NOT FOR YOU."
"My other shirt is on the floor of your bedroom."
"Trust me, I'm part octopus."
"What did you do today? I shaped the minds of the next generation. Then I cooked dinner and did laundry."
"SSHHHHHHHH. I'm gaming."

T-shirt hell had one that I always meant to pick up, and would also be delighted to get for him:
"I taught your girlfriend that thing you like."
I always wanted them to print that on the front, and on the back do the other saying,
"I taught your boyfriend that thing you like."

I may see if I can have such a thing custom made.
lollypox: (Lollypop)
When I was a child, we grew up on a teacher's salary. Sometimes my mom worked part time but basically we were somewhat poor. However, my father insisted upon meals where the meat wasn't a mystery, so we ate hamburger meat a lot.

As a kid, one of the things I considered a special treat was Sirloin Steak. I'd ask for the piece with "pink in the middle" because my mother overcooked every piece of meat that came into the house. (This was at my father's insistence, as well.)

For birthdays, we were encouraged to ask for a special birthday dinner. It meant that I spent a lot of my siblings' birthdays eating things like pizza or hot dogs, but when it was my turn I always asked for sirloin steak.

It wasn't until I was old enough to date that anyone put a decent steak in front of me, and even then I didn't know how to order it. I'd usually ask meekly for the sirloin, "medium well". I'm betting that I got it too rare one time and that opened my eyes. I spent my 20s experimenting with different levels of done-ness, and also discovering different cuts of meat. Fillet. Tenderloin. Porterhouse. New York Strip. But (other than a bacon-wrapped fillet) I still circled around to the Sirloin. It was comfort food.

But then, in my 30s, I was taken out for prime rib.
Prime.
Rib.

I didn't know thing one about prime rib. I let my date (who is still my Male Primary) order for me because I knew nothing.

Prime Rib. Just typing it makes my mouth water. The sublime pleasure of a nice rare piece of prime rib that has been roasted slowly all day, then carved and brought to my table. Keep your horseradish sauce, sir. Leave the au jus in the kitchen, ma'am. Don't even bother to put a side on the plate. Just bring me that rare slab of Prime Rib and don't even Think of "finishing it on the grill". Hogwash.
Now, when I order Prime rib and they ask how I want it prepared, I look that waitstaff member in the face and say in my sexiest voice, "Just carve it, and bring it."
A good waitstaff member will break into a gorgeous smile and nod at me, eyes twinkling.

A newbie will stare with mouth open and ask, "huh?" That newbie gets an education. All still in my sexiest voice.

When I go to a steakhouse, I will never again order the "sirloin steak". Not if they have prime rib. If I can't afford prime rib, I don't go to the steak house. I go to the butcher and buy a damn sirloin steak and then I cook it properly; rare.

One year, my MP and another family member conspired to serve prime rib for Christmas. Best Christmas EVER.

So why am I suddenly extolling the virtues of various cuts of beef?
Well, the above story is true, but it's also allegorical.

Through a couple of experiences recently, I discovered that I have prime rib in my life right now. I've had a couple of people try to distract me with sirloin steak, and fillet mignon. It's not that I don't like that kind of meat, it's just that I have prime rib at my disposal, so why would I bother?

More

Oct. 7th, 2014 01:24 am
lollypox: (Satyr)
And yet, there's more.

Another big event over the weekend, and sharing it with them made it so much better. Sleeping three across was delightful, though they don't have any practice at it. I do, though; many years' worth. There was so much love, and so much playful fun.

I even got to dance with them.

I would have liked to have danced more, but the DJs this year had a somewhat limited selection.

There were many old friends that I also got to see, as well. I was apparently very VERY sparkly.

At one point I was talking to Him, and he said that he saw me spin through the event, being desired by many and flirting, and his reaction to this was to be proud to be my boyfriend. To be delighted that I choose them over all these other people who I clearly liked and enjoyed.

She said more or less the same thing.

I am blessed with two people who love and adore me, and feel no threat or insecurity when the world loves me a little bit, too. Talk about the undisclosed desires of my heart!

What's more, I got little bits of time with them individually here and there, and both of them were delighted about that, too. In fact, She told me about a conversation she was having with a close friend. She and said friend were working on something at the event, and she knew that He and I were in the room, unloading. She had mentioned to her friend that He and I were "probably making out in the room", and the friend responded with, "Well, let's hope that's all they're doing in the room."
To which She responded, "Nah. They can do whatever they want." with a shrug. She's not just fine with it; she approves. She gets time with me, too.

This is something that is almost too wonderful to believe.

Date Night

Sep. 28th, 2014 07:28 pm
lollypox: (Priceless Poly)
I got a date!
A date with both of my darling lovely friends!

We got dressed up, went out to eat, saw a show, and went home. They had the house to themselves, so it was a raucous night. A long, raucous night. Whew.

I had a long, exhausting day at work, but at least I have tomorrow off.

:D

During the events of the evening, we met various friends and relatives of theirs. I met his parents (was introduced to them, anyway. I'd encountered them before.) I also met several of her friends who were in-the-know. That was neat, too. We were both "in" and "out" and the show had themes of alternative sexuality. So we held hands during the show.
(Awww.)

I do like being a girlfriend. I really like what we're building together. I told them about the hungry empty places in my soul that they feed and nurture. They reminded me that I have healed them and helped them build their relationship in stronger ways. We are good together, good to each other, and we belong together.

This brings me a great deal of peace.

History

Sep. 27th, 2014 10:10 am
lollypox: (lick lolly)
My latest round of navel-gazing relates to my history with girlfriends.

And you know, when you see patterns in your past relationships, the common denominator is yourself. I have limited experience with romantic relationships with women. I've had far more with men.

And I'm realizing that I am entirely unaccustomed to being treated really well by a girlfriend. Like, at all.
This is not to say that I hooked up with abusers. Ok, so there was the one abusive ex-girlfriend. I've mentioned her here from time to time.

I do seem to seek out women who show me a certain level of indifference, though. From the one who thought we were in competition with one another (never, not from this angle) to the one who was such a sub that she could barely articulate her desire. Pretty much every one of my girlfriends required a level of discretion with our relationship, either because we were both women or because we were involved in a larger relationship, too. Even my first girlfriend was a little bit shy about showing affection (or receiving it from me) in front of her friends, and we're talking about a pagan circle.

I have this girlfriend, now. I fear that I've been unfair to her because I've been expecting behavior that has come before. I'm untangling all of this in my mind and I'm sorting through my heart to find what it is that I actually want from her.
I've always taken what was offered, even though it usually wasn't nearly enough. I was so pleased to have any affection at all that I contented myself with what was given. I feared pushing too hard and being rejected (with good reason) that I never shoved my affection at my girlfriends. I was affectionate up to point, and when brushed off, I withdrew or showed my affection in more subtle ways.

I have this wonderful woman in my life. She is so many things, and I have loved her for so very long. I stand in awe of her, always. And she treats me really well. She shares her feelings with me, and is opening up more and more. She made me a mix cd that is beautiful and meaningful. She shows me no indifference, no bare tolerance, and is quietly reminding me that I'm valuable, beautiful, and hers. I'm reminded that her fingerprints are all over my life, and that she draws from me the qualities I like best about myself. She accepts my help and my strength when she needs it. She picks me up when I fall down. She walks through life leaving beauty in her wake and I am one of the things that she makes more beautiful.

I'm teaching her to be brave. I'm teaching her to communicate effectively, and how to navigate this new strange path that all three of us are on. I'm providing another support for the structure of her life.
I'm just suddenly realizing that she's providing another support for mine. I'm unaccustomed to that.

But I like it.
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