Achievement Unlocked
Oct. 16th, 2014 12:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lollypoxI mentioned that a friend of mine came over and... attempted to upgrade our friendship.
And at the time I was so bewildered that I had no real response other than to shut things down gently.
Having had a week to think about it, and no communication from him, I emailed him asking if we could speak on the phone. Every time I tried to write a note to him about things, it came out all wrong and I was writing defensively. So I realized that this needed to be a conversation, not a statement.
He called me this morning.
That conversation went really well. First of all, he opened by telling me how our friendship is paramount. Regardless of anything else, he wanted to be friends.
Excellent. I can work with this.
He then shared his feelings about what happened, which were mostly surprised happiness, and his astonishment that everything felt so "comfortable."
And that gives me my in, because "comfortable" is NOT where I am. So I explained that while I like him just fine, I practice consensual, ethical non-monogamy.
I further explained that while I had assumed that my boundaries were broad (and had conveyed that to him as well) it turns out that they're narrower than I had anticipated.
I found that it was important to me to convey that my reasons for setting this boundary had nothing to do with the quality of the experience, but to my objection to the situation.
I was successful on all fronts.
He was very respectful about the whole thing, and went on to say that my strong sense of ethics was a quality that he admired greatly about me.
And he understood completely, and recognized that I have a full enough plate right now, as well.
I didn't want to bring other people into this; I prefer to stand on my own and say, "I don't like that" rather than "My significant other doesn't like it when I do this." I have been known to use the "sorry my boyfriend/husband wouldn't approve" line, but I can only think of two times when I did so; one when I was NOT ATTACHED and was being pushed up on while I was at work by a creeper. The other time was last year when I hot, drunk young man was giving me a lap dance at a party, then tried to turn up the heat. I patted him on his little head and said, "Sweetie, I'm married. Sorry."
A friend at my elbow stared at me openmouthed. "I never expected to see you do that!"
"I needed a graceful exit, and he's a stranger."
Whereas with someone I like and respect, I'm much more willing to discuss the actual issue.
In fact, I suspect that this trait is what makes me so alluring to my friend, as well as many other people. I don't "fight" about random stuff. I don't play straw man argument cards. I don't hide behind other people's feelings. I handle my shit, and I do so openly. If I have a problem, I go find the person I have a problem with and discuss it with them.
And considering that I've figured out that my friend is likely in the same category as his special-needs kids, albeit very high-funcitoning, I suspect that my directness is not just a good quality; it's soothing to him.
So directness is what this called for. I was direct. I was clear. I successfully conveyed the message that "this is not ok" without it turning into "you suck; go away."
I kept my friend. This will probably turn into one of those things where, later, we both say, "remember that time we stepped wrong?"
Everything is ok. I leveled up.
And tonight, I get to see the people I really really WANT to make out with. Mwa ha ha...
And at the time I was so bewildered that I had no real response other than to shut things down gently.
Having had a week to think about it, and no communication from him, I emailed him asking if we could speak on the phone. Every time I tried to write a note to him about things, it came out all wrong and I was writing defensively. So I realized that this needed to be a conversation, not a statement.
He called me this morning.
That conversation went really well. First of all, he opened by telling me how our friendship is paramount. Regardless of anything else, he wanted to be friends.
Excellent. I can work with this.
He then shared his feelings about what happened, which were mostly surprised happiness, and his astonishment that everything felt so "comfortable."
And that gives me my in, because "comfortable" is NOT where I am. So I explained that while I like him just fine, I practice consensual, ethical non-monogamy.
I further explained that while I had assumed that my boundaries were broad (and had conveyed that to him as well) it turns out that they're narrower than I had anticipated.
I found that it was important to me to convey that my reasons for setting this boundary had nothing to do with the quality of the experience, but to my objection to the situation.
I was successful on all fronts.
He was very respectful about the whole thing, and went on to say that my strong sense of ethics was a quality that he admired greatly about me.
And he understood completely, and recognized that I have a full enough plate right now, as well.
I didn't want to bring other people into this; I prefer to stand on my own and say, "I don't like that" rather than "My significant other doesn't like it when I do this." I have been known to use the "sorry my boyfriend/husband wouldn't approve" line, but I can only think of two times when I did so; one when I was NOT ATTACHED and was being pushed up on while I was at work by a creeper. The other time was last year when I hot, drunk young man was giving me a lap dance at a party, then tried to turn up the heat. I patted him on his little head and said, "Sweetie, I'm married. Sorry."
A friend at my elbow stared at me openmouthed. "I never expected to see you do that!"
"I needed a graceful exit, and he's a stranger."
Whereas with someone I like and respect, I'm much more willing to discuss the actual issue.
In fact, I suspect that this trait is what makes me so alluring to my friend, as well as many other people. I don't "fight" about random stuff. I don't play straw man argument cards. I don't hide behind other people's feelings. I handle my shit, and I do so openly. If I have a problem, I go find the person I have a problem with and discuss it with them.
And considering that I've figured out that my friend is likely in the same category as his special-needs kids, albeit very high-funcitoning, I suspect that my directness is not just a good quality; it's soothing to him.
So directness is what this called for. I was direct. I was clear. I successfully conveyed the message that "this is not ok" without it turning into "you suck; go away."
I kept my friend. This will probably turn into one of those things where, later, we both say, "remember that time we stepped wrong?"
Everything is ok. I leveled up.
And tonight, I get to see the people I really really WANT to make out with. Mwa ha ha...
