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Too much is never enough?
Nov. 30th, 2011 07:05 pmI'm always vaguely amused by Dan Savage's advice column. There's a common problem that comes up there that I've had some time to consider in my own life, something that always pings me when it comes up.
The discrepancy between the sex drives of each partner in a relationship.
The studies are in, generally during the first blush of a relationship, couples are going at it like rabbits. It's that "getting to know you sex" period where both (or all) partners are really into it and want to connect sexually, and want that often. Then, after oh, say, a year or so, they slow down to once-a-week or a couple of times a month sex. Generally speaking, this is supposedly how it works.
But of course, it varies from relationship to relationship. One of the great things about being open to an open relationship is that if one of the two people likes to have sex significantly more often than the other, a third (fourth, fifth) partner could be added so that the horny partner's needs are met.
But that is only in theory. What throws me is that there are so many people with so many levels of sex drive. I myself have usually been "the horny partner" in all of my relationships. The guy I first had full-on sex with was warned, by me, that if we went there I would probably want it all the time. This was apparently an enticement until he discovered (to his horror) that he could not keep up with me. In fact, I have spent a lot of time in loving, supportive relationships where my partner (or partners!) were turning ME down for sex. Often. I've ranted here before about The Big Lie, which is that men want sex all the time and women generally don't. (growls) Bull. I know plenty of women who have experiences like mine, women who partner with a man and then wind up not getting it enough.
I also know women who seem somewhat lukewarm on the subject of sex. Women who make the remarks about him "wanting it all the time". I admit that my first reaction to these statements used to be, "Oh, so he doesn't get it done for you, then?" when in fact, these other women had lower levels of certain hormones and whatnot and just weren't that excited about sex all the time. Oh, they liked it, they liked to have sex with their partners, but the constant barrage of desire was not in line with their own appetites.
And of course, now I'm getting a piece of that. My own hormonal levels shifted a few years ago, and I find that I'm not on that "teenaged boy" track of being vaguely sexually excited all the time. I can get excited about sex, I'm still very sex-positive and completely game, but I had gotten to a point where letting my partner decide how often we did it was fine by me. I even found that I was occasionally annoyed by being awakened for a brief bit of fun.
So I kind of feel like I've played both sides of the fence, a little bit. However, I still scratch my head at my own experiences and other people's experiences of being the one turned down all the time. Even when I'm not particularly in the mood, if my partner waggles an eyebrow at me and does some variation of "ya wanna?", unless I'm supposed to be working or sleeping I generally say, "Yeah, sure!"
I was a fairly attractive teen-ager and twentysomething. I had a lot of people interested in me during those times, and some of those people I was also attracted to, and some of them I was not the least bit attracted to. I've turned people down for sex LOTS of times, and tried to take some of the sting out of the rejection. I myself have been rejected by people who I asked out, as well, so I know how it feels.
But why would anyone turn down the person they love? Why is it that once the relationship is going along, the interest dies? I get how busy schedules would make it difficult to be at it every day, but why does the desire cool after you've been with someone? WHY does familiarity breed contempt, or at least indifference? I see it happen, I've been involved with people (men and women) who profess to love me and cherish me, but don't actually feel sexually excited by me after the first exciting rush. Why? I never became indifferent to any of my partners. It's not difficult for me to picture two people saying, "Gosh, I wish we could be having sex more often, but with the kids and my new job, there's just not time..." but when the problem isn't logistics but *desire*, what's a goat like me to do?
My problem is functionally solved by the enforced long-distance situation I currently find myself in. My primary partner and I are unable to have any kind of relations at the moment, and I am in fact free to pursue other interests should any appear.
But I have to ask myself if engaging in a secondary relationship will just drag me back to the same place again? I'll find someone who adores me and desires me, loves me and wishes to form a partnership with me, and then six months or a year into it will still love and adore me, but fail to desire me?
See, THAT seems like too much work to me.
The discrepancy between the sex drives of each partner in a relationship.
The studies are in, generally during the first blush of a relationship, couples are going at it like rabbits. It's that "getting to know you sex" period where both (or all) partners are really into it and want to connect sexually, and want that often. Then, after oh, say, a year or so, they slow down to once-a-week or a couple of times a month sex. Generally speaking, this is supposedly how it works.
But of course, it varies from relationship to relationship. One of the great things about being open to an open relationship is that if one of the two people likes to have sex significantly more often than the other, a third (fourth, fifth) partner could be added so that the horny partner's needs are met.
But that is only in theory. What throws me is that there are so many people with so many levels of sex drive. I myself have usually been "the horny partner" in all of my relationships. The guy I first had full-on sex with was warned, by me, that if we went there I would probably want it all the time. This was apparently an enticement until he discovered (to his horror) that he could not keep up with me. In fact, I have spent a lot of time in loving, supportive relationships where my partner (or partners!) were turning ME down for sex. Often. I've ranted here before about The Big Lie, which is that men want sex all the time and women generally don't. (growls) Bull. I know plenty of women who have experiences like mine, women who partner with a man and then wind up not getting it enough.
I also know women who seem somewhat lukewarm on the subject of sex. Women who make the remarks about him "wanting it all the time". I admit that my first reaction to these statements used to be, "Oh, so he doesn't get it done for you, then?" when in fact, these other women had lower levels of certain hormones and whatnot and just weren't that excited about sex all the time. Oh, they liked it, they liked to have sex with their partners, but the constant barrage of desire was not in line with their own appetites.
And of course, now I'm getting a piece of that. My own hormonal levels shifted a few years ago, and I find that I'm not on that "teenaged boy" track of being vaguely sexually excited all the time. I can get excited about sex, I'm still very sex-positive and completely game, but I had gotten to a point where letting my partner decide how often we did it was fine by me. I even found that I was occasionally annoyed by being awakened for a brief bit of fun.
So I kind of feel like I've played both sides of the fence, a little bit. However, I still scratch my head at my own experiences and other people's experiences of being the one turned down all the time. Even when I'm not particularly in the mood, if my partner waggles an eyebrow at me and does some variation of "ya wanna?", unless I'm supposed to be working or sleeping I generally say, "Yeah, sure!"
I was a fairly attractive teen-ager and twentysomething. I had a lot of people interested in me during those times, and some of those people I was also attracted to, and some of them I was not the least bit attracted to. I've turned people down for sex LOTS of times, and tried to take some of the sting out of the rejection. I myself have been rejected by people who I asked out, as well, so I know how it feels.
But why would anyone turn down the person they love? Why is it that once the relationship is going along, the interest dies? I get how busy schedules would make it difficult to be at it every day, but why does the desire cool after you've been with someone? WHY does familiarity breed contempt, or at least indifference? I see it happen, I've been involved with people (men and women) who profess to love me and cherish me, but don't actually feel sexually excited by me after the first exciting rush. Why? I never became indifferent to any of my partners. It's not difficult for me to picture two people saying, "Gosh, I wish we could be having sex more often, but with the kids and my new job, there's just not time..." but when the problem isn't logistics but *desire*, what's a goat like me to do?
My problem is functionally solved by the enforced long-distance situation I currently find myself in. My primary partner and I are unable to have any kind of relations at the moment, and I am in fact free to pursue other interests should any appear.
But I have to ask myself if engaging in a secondary relationship will just drag me back to the same place again? I'll find someone who adores me and desires me, loves me and wishes to form a partnership with me, and then six months or a year into it will still love and adore me, but fail to desire me?
See, THAT seems like too much work to me.
