I Must Not Fear

She called me Sweetheart.






Once upon a time, I had a crush.
At a random moment, I discovered that my feelings were reciprocated.
They offered their honor and I honored their offer.
Then things kind of went off the rails, and they quit me cold turkey, and put me on radio silence.

Time heals all wounds, and after a few years I was invited back. A few years after that, I decided I would go back.

And a very important conversation *finally happened.*

She called me, because He was wanting to get together (for non-sexytimes) to work on something with me. This turned into all three of us getting together, which made me more comfortable. The thing that had gotten so badly screwed up the last time had a lot to do with the fact that He apparently can't trust himself around me. And by that same token, neither she nor I can trust him alone with me.
And I had finally come around to understanding my "uncomfortableness" about the whole thing, my seething resentment, and my fear. I wasn't scared that I would screw things up again; I'm too vigilant to let that happen. I realized that I flatly could not trust Him to manage his own boundaries. I realized that He and I have intense chemistry, and that He *cannot handle it* period. Full stop.

Over the weekend all three of us played together and it was glorious. He kept trying to catch my eye and drown me in his energy, and I worked pretty hard to keep away from eye contact unless there were other people around us. He made it clear that he'd like more time with me, more play with me, and maybe even alone time with me.

And that won't do.

Fortunately for all of us, my day off turned into the only day to handle a completely different crisis, so we postponed our project.

Then I got a phone call from her.
It was clear that she was nervous having this conversation, and probably was worried that I'd get defensive and weird. She's very non-confrontational. She opened with "I have some... concerns."
I wanted to hear her concerns.
"I don't think He can control himself around you."
I have that EXACT SAME CONCERN.
I expressed that after things had gotten screwed up between us before, I never wanted that to happen again.
Apparently *they* finally had the important conversation where He gained some honesty about His feelings for me, both with her and with himself.
I thanked Her profusely for discussing it with me. I explained that I found each of them attractive, both separately and together.
She wanted to make sure that he and I wouldn't be put in a compromising position, and I agreed. I also pointed out that while my house would work because I have a lot of activity here, I also don't have a good space for the project in question.

So what I got was an invitation to come to their house to work on the project and then watch a movie and snuggle "or something".

We've been tag teaming back and forth via email. She also mentioned potentially hanging out on spring break week for him.

And then on IM tonight she called me "Sweetheart".
She doesn't call me Sweetheart.
I'm not sure I've ever heard her call anyone that.

I'm going to have to start asking the harder questions, I think.
If I'm going to be dating a couple, I want to know that it is dating.
Or what it is.

There's that specter of "The Boundaries Conversation". The one they don't want to have. I think I'm going to have to give them some homework to do, and then we can all have that conversation.

And while I'm at it, I can figure out what it is that I want.

Especially with the buffet being so (potentially) abundant.

It's not like they're the only couple I'm eyeing or anything.

Oh, but wait, there's more...

Well, She called me recently to talk about mundane matters and said, "We need to have that conversation."

Well. Yeah. Duh.

But she indicated that the conversation wouldn't happen until late August at the rate that things are going.

Not sure that I'm happy about that. My cynicism says that we won't actually EVER have that conversation.

She also said that the short version is that she's not mad (anymore) but that they're not going to do *that* anymore, either.

So.

Where does that leave me? We don't know.
I'm caught between wanting to be as friendly as possible, affectionate, helpful, etc...

and telling them not to bother me.

It's easier now. But it doesn't change the fact that I spend a significant part of my days thinking of Him, and most of my nights dreaming about Her.

Ah. Well.

We crawl forward. I can still crawl.

And if I can't even do that, I can find someone to carry me.

The good news is that there might be drunken debauchery this weekend, if I can get my Primaries to figure out what THEY want. (Individually and collectively...)

Heh.

And there are... interesting... possibilities there.

(sigh.) Monday comes too quickly.

My weekend went extremely well.

Mother's day was sedate and nice.

I did, in fact, get to spend time with my New Special Friends. I also got to hang out in a park, go window shopping at a favorite store, read "Where the wild things are" to a child, and figure out some logistical details.

And of course, there was play time.
*YAY*

I don't know who is reading this yet, since I don't really have a friends list set up or anything. I'm going to set the default to screen comments for the time being, so that people can respond anonymously but I'll still know who you are.

Seem fair?