lollypox | Recent Entries

Looks like the last time I posted, it was on LJ.
But the Russians are looking, and I'm part of the Ghey Agenda, so I figured I'd jump ship and come over here.

I like "Dreamwidth". Wide dreams. Dream wide.

But, over in the other journal, I was sharing a dramatic moment. Fortunately everything worked out right in the end, and all of our communication was improved.

The only poly drama I have to report is that I would like to have a state-of-the-union conversation with all of my partners, which is ridiculously difficult to do for dumb logistical reasons. The short form is that I can't put my MP in a house or space with kids in it, and my Lovelies have two children who require supervision.

(facepalm)

However, eventually the hoops will be jumped through, the paperwork filed, time reordered, the world turned upside down... and then we can all be some kind of poly family together. For now, it's the old puzzle of the goose, the grain, and the fox.

A few months ago, my MP's play partner bailed on him, and that was tough. On the other hand, another partner reappeared, and has been particularly helpful. In this journal I give people silly names or titles, so let's call her Aloha. (Ironically, her name does NOT start with "A". My MP has a "thing" for women with "A" names. Aloha doesn't even have an "A" in her name. LOL.)

Aloha and I have been good friends, and I had told her while he was away that if she liked him she had my blessing to pursue him. She's an introvert who nevertheless likes to join in on whatever fun floats past her when she's feeling social. This dovetails neatly into my extroverted tendency to say, "Hey gang! Let's go do a thing! I'm doing the thing. Who else wants to do the thing?"

And she's a sub, which helps too. Of course, she's an introverted sub, and sometimes he frets that he's not doing the right thing because she doesn't always initiate communication. I pointed out that she responds well to other people initiating the conversation, and so he reaches out to her. They are having a lot of fun, and kind of being the right thing for each other at the right time.

So we are buzzing along, busy bees.

For the time being I have computer access so I might be posting more often.

How do you tell someone that they've hurt you? How do you look someone in the eye and tell them that they not only hurt you, but did something (albeit by accident) that they never thought of themselves as being capable of doing?

Step 1: Look them in the eye.
This was not a conversation for texting, phone call, or email. This really needed to be a face-to-face conversation. In my case, I discovered that He was walking in a park nearby and offered to join him. I parked and walked to where he said he was and we walked companionably for a while.
Tip for step 1: It can be easier if you are in motion while having the conversation. It gave us opportunities to look away, but still remain in contact.

Step 2: Open your mouth.
He gave me the opening I needed, which was really helpful. He said that he had a lovely week, and thanked me.
I made a non-committal noise and shrugged.
"What? What's wrong?" he asked.
So I told him that I had felt coerced "at the end, there."
And he was shocked.

Really really shocked. I don't think I've ever seen him like that.
"What do you mean?" he spluttered.
I further explained that while I had been having a good time, that I had been feeling the pressure of limited time.

He shifted gears. "But you didn't say anything..."

Yes, I did, I said "Nope, I'm going to go" and tried to get out of the bed.

And this is where the conversation could have gotten away from me. This was why I finally, after all these years, understood why some people have a hard time talking about this. Why assault goes underreported, particularly where the violation happens in a situation that's not "at gunpoint in a dark alley." If you already felt bowled over by your partner's force of personality in a sexy situation, it's significantly harder to discuss it later. The partner with the strong personality may actually try to say "That's not what happened!" because that person doesn't want to self-identify as a rapist or someone who assault others.

It took me at least three tries to be heard on this one, and my partner is a kind person, a loving person who knows how to listen. Someone who actively wants to know how his partner(s) is (are) doing. He's someone who self-identifies as gentle, kind, giving, game, understanding, patient, and he prides himself on his self-control.

I had to stand, very firm, and say that yes, this happened. I said, "No," and he pushed the issue. I turned them down, and the two of them pushed me to stay. And afterward, I felt icky about it. I did not feel a sense of satisfaction, or the warm glow of connection with my partners.

He tried to explain his position, and in the process tried to say that I had indicated that I was into it by playing with them, and then cuddling afterward. "She was asking for it" takes many forms, unfortunately.

He tried to tell me he wasn't that kind of person, and I said that I agreed, which was why we were actually having this conversation. If I *didn't* love and trust him, I wouldn't have given him another opportunity to talk to me, ever.

He tried to tell me that he never heard me say, "NO", but I held firm to that statement. I had said it, and that I was leaving. I'm not a drama queen; if I say I'm leaving I have good reason for it and need to know that I'm not going to hear a bunch of whining to get me to stay. (In other contexts, this has happened several times.)

I can only imagine how someone with less force of personality than I do could wind up in a very muddy situation with a person that they love and trust who ignored their revocation of consent. I got a glimpse of that "slippery slope".

Fortunately, this did not turn into a fight. He had to take a couple of brief breaks in the conversation (while we walked in silence) to assimilate the information. I'd had enough time to nail down my personal issues with it, so I had specific points to discuss instead of getting sidetracked to other conversations.

Thank you, Jay Smooth. Always go with the "What you did" conversation, NOT the "What you are" conversation.

My problems were as follows:
1. My issues of time constraint were completely ignored. I gave the information several times, and neither of them could remember that I had obligations the next day. They were too excited about having a night in the house alone.
I need my schedule to be respected.
2. She was vague about her own consent, and left it up to use to figure out what she wanted.
I need enthusiastic consent.
3. When I said, "No" it was not taken seriously. In his effort for "fairness", my actual request was lost.
I need to know that if I ask for an exit, I will be given an unobstructed one.

Once I was able to make points one and three with him, he needed to process the information. Once he was able to process the information, he was able to come back to me and agree to my terms. And apologize.

So we continue. The Consent Castle got a big renovation.
I got to have my conversation with Her, too.

Still waiting for the threeway conversation.

I ran across a cute comic about "Building A Consent Castle" that was charming but not especially informative. I'm really good at building a Consent Castle. I didn't call it that, but it's what all that careful "rappelling down the cliff" was about with my Lovelies. It's what all that foundation was about with my Male Primary, and why he and I still check in with each other on a regular basis.

But I recently had a situation come up that involved Consent Issues in more than one way and it's caused me to regroup and put on my construction equipment.

Without getting into the juicy details, here's the basics of what happened:

I had a date.
When I made the date, I reminded my girlfriend that I had to work in the morning, but that I was willing to still have a date that night. This was discussed several times, including the day of the date when I was asked if I was spending the night. I reminded them both that I had to be up early in the morning, so I wasn't planning on staying late or sleeping over.
It was decided that we'd get a meal out, then go to their house and watch a movie. They provided the meal, I provided the DVD.
Having done all of that, my boyfriend asked if we were all going to "Go Upstairs" meaning "Sexy Times."
She said sure, I said sure, and he and I went upstairs.
She completed her nightly routine. For her, this involves several activities including medications and household duties.
So he and I were in bed snuggled together when she came up. He and I discussed some expectations. We wanted to put her in the middle and get things going.

She came to bed, climbed in on her side, rolled on to her side facing the window and settled down. This is a very closed posture, though it is the one that allows her the most comfort.

What followed was a series of miscommunications. She was giving almost no feedback, negative or positive. When he asked her to roll over (to the middle of the bed) she replied that she is not a log.
I chose to downshift into a more sensual headspace. I shifted to light touches, nothing specifically sexual, but the kind of touching she really enjoys. I've done this in the past to help her go to sleep and sometimes it does spark strong desire.

But I looked at the clock; I was running out of time.
At that point, I adjusted my internal expectations. If I could get her fired up, perhaps we'd have enough time that I could get her "there", and maybe even him too. I was not going to have enough time for everyone to get there, so I decided that was ok if I didn't get "any".

When he joined in, they were still no where near the same page, and she admonished him for being in a rush, expressing that they didn't need to be on any kind of schedule, we had all night, etc. etc. (Childcare was off-site and overnight for them.)

This annoyed me, because I did NOT have all night, I WAS on a schedule, and I'd expressed that several times. So I spoke up and said, "Well, actually, I still have to get up in the morning. I'll be walking out the door at 11:30 regardless of what's going on at that point."

So I was able to coax her into a position where we could all play together, and each of them reached their "destination." After that, we snuggled in bed for a bit and I noticed that it was 11:20. He turned to me and said, "Ok, it's your turn."

My response was, "NOPE. I need to go." And I went to get up.

What followed was an astonishing amount of pleading and whining and wheedling, started by him and then she joined in, too. I restated my intent to leave by 11:30, and she said something like, "Well, you could leave at like, 11:35, right?"

I caved. I chose to stay. Ten minutes later, I was putting on my clothes.
And unhappy.

I was still later leaving than I intended, and on the drive home I was overwhelmed with feelings of ickiness.

I realized: I was just coerced into a sexual situation. By people who love me. Holy shit.

I needed a few days to process this. (And, apparently several conversations with my Male Primary.) In the mean time, I was somewhat uncommunicative with my Lovelies. They noticed, and wanted to know what was up. To be fair, I was scheduled to work all weekend, so I had little time to spare until Wednesday, which was my day off.

To be continued.

I get so few opportunities to be in front of a keyboard that is also connected to the internet these days. Sorry for the long absence.

Interesting post incoming. I had an unusual experience.

My state of the Lollypox is as follows:
Base relationship stable and holding. Male Primary is exploring outside relationships. Everyone is pleased.

My Lovelies and I continue apace. I have less time to offer, but we all work hard to make those times count.

I'm hanging in there, but as a result of my MP's legal issues, he's not able to be the breadwinner for our household. I'm supporting the household on my own and exploring new opportunities for my income. Indeed, I think overall I'd prefer to be the one supporting the household and "keep" him as my domestic support. He's far better at it than I am, and once we get the balance working I think it might be the better plan.
He, of course, is struggling with the change in traditional gender roles.

I'm not especially "traditional" in my gender. Grin.

Had That Conversation with my husband.

All is well.

He was only surprised by the specific boundaries present in my secondary relationship.

He's fine with things continuing as they have done.

However, getting him back requires far more hoop-jumping that anticipated. I will be off-line for some while.

Feel free to read and post comments; but it might be a week or so before I can respond. Fortunately, my friends are all very accommodating, and I will be able to hop online briefly from time to time. I'm going to store my Imac somewhere other than at home. I might even see if I'm allowed to bring it to work. That might actually solve several problems, temporarily.

What's worse is that he's not handling things well. I've sent him out with specific instructions and pointed out specific things he can do to get us "compliant" before our inspection tomorrow. He fails to understand that the freaking TOYS I have on display are more likely to cause suspicion and alarm than a computer locked in a cabinet under lock and key.

They say the universe only gives you what you can handle.
It trusts me far too much.

I went to Planned Parenthood today. They have been my care provider for years, since my usual gynecologist retired, actually.

And while I have some hilarious stories, some of which are sweet and nice and some of which are kind of hair-raising, I can usually deal with the bullshit.

Today I failed entirely to bring my shovel.

Since the weekend was a holiday weekend, I was not able to call in advance to make an appointment. I see now that their website has a nifty "set your own appointment" section, which I could have used last week to set something up. However, the last time I went to make an appointment with them, there was the whole "make your appointment one day in advance" bullshit going on, so I was used to that particular circus.

9am, I called.
No, they did not have any appointments today. (My only weekday off this week.)
Yes, they could make me an appointment (?) so that I could pick up my pills.

My pills wrap up tonight, so I wanted to get a new pack. However, my Rx had run out, so this is the part where they hold me hostage over the new pack. Been on birth control pills nearly continuously since I was 18, except for the two years I was on Depo (and I liked that) the year I was off depo (which was fine until my system finally restarted) and the few months after that when I was back on Depo (which showed up with new side effects; no thanks.)

Now, here are the things I needed to do today:
Fill my gas tank; I'm below "E".
Pick up my check from work.
Deposit said check in my bare bank account.
Finish up some sideline work.
Visit with a friend for lunch.
Get pills from PP any way I can.

Since they did not have an appointment for me, I chose to go to PP first. I did not shower, I did not pass go, I did not collect my paycheck.

So I get there and not only does it take over an hour of waiting room time (despite the "appointment" I had), but I'm finally told that I have to pay for a "Hope" visit, where I talk to a nurse about my BC pills, so they can authorize one more pack to get me through until I can get my Well Woman Exam.

Um, but I'm going to pay all that money for my well-woman exam, right? Why do I need to see the nurse *today*?

New policies. Or, I could buy a package of pills at full price. (In retrospect, I ought to have done that.)

My "discount" rate is already $30 per month.

Now, when I express my annoyance, I'm told that they could work me in for my well-woman exam, BUT I have to take the appointment NOW and I have to pay for it NOW. Well, ladies, I'm all manner of FUNKY at the moment, plus without today's check I have nothing to pay it with. I whipped out my wallet. "I have $60 cash. That is the extent of my wealth today until I get my check cashed."

She seriously was like, "Well, what do you want to do?"
"What does $60 cash buy me?"

It bought me a blood pressure check, (which was not mentioned this time; odd) a weigh-in, a round of questions that told me that they hadn't read my chart, and then a meeting with a nice nurse whose questions told me that she HAD read my chart. "How's that BC working for you?"
"Great."
"Any weird side effects?"
"Nope."
"You know to take them at the same time every day?"
"Yeah."
"You know to take them ALL, right?"
"Um, yeah? Is this really a problem?"

Apparently some women were so well-trained by the "reminder Pills" of the old style that they're throwing out a week's worth of actual medication. Facepalm.

So I proved I was a person, intelligent enough to operate the medication, and assured her that I'd come back in for my well-woman exam.

She blithely said, "oh, I just went ahead and renewed your Rx. Just be sure to get that exam sometime this year."

er.

Well, ok.

It was $68.
I'm not sure what part of "I have $60 to my name at this minute" they were confused about.
I used my debit card, praying the whole time. It went through for the $8.

I guess I could have paid $45 for one pack of pills, but this way if things are too chaotic I can still get my meds.
And since I have to be out of my home by the second week of October, Chaos Rules at the moment.

My husband and I are going to lose the house, it seems. (We do have a Go Fund Me up, but I need to maintain anonymity here. If you want to help, comment and I'll send you a message with the link.)

And yet, he and I are doing that thing we always seem to do: Lean together to form an archway. In fact, at one point I said, "Well, you have me, at least. I'm not going anywhere." His response was to say, "Of course. That was never in question. You've been my anchor."

On the other hand, I feel somewhat at loose ends myself. And that's related to my other relationship. I realized that despite all the drama, my primary partner and I are getting along famously. We're leaning together instead of tearing each other apart. We're communicating, working together, and even though it all sucks really bad we're managing.
And we're figuring out how to carve out slivers of time for just us.

Which is why it's so glaring that my Lovelies can't seem to get it together or look for those little slices. Their lives are in flux, to be sure, though other than some (very) temporary setbacks, all of their changes are going to bring goodness and prosperity. One would think that they'd be weaving together in triumph, but it's more like they're both allowing the little annoyances to bubble to the surface now that the big scary issues are resolved.

She and I had a Date, and by that I don't mean "going out to lunch." (Though, we did go out to lunch.) She and I so rarely get those, and it was absolutely gorgeous. We wore each other out and then decided we were starving, so she found a BOGO coupon and we headed out to eat. As it happened, she needed my help with some logistical things that afternoon, so we worked out how that would happen since I did have to be at work by 5pm. I mentioned (again) with as much grace as I could muster that I'm always willing to help out, but that it's better to get all of the scheduling done in advance. As usual, I kind of got The Shrug.

The Shrug is the basic response I get when I express my frustration that my time is being taken for granted. And I started comparing my life this year to my life last year and discovered that last summer, they were really great about looking over the schedule, asking me about sitting in advance when they needed me, and working out when they'd like to have private time with me. So I know that they both *can* work this out, they just have not done so.

And it's not just me; they're not making each other a priority, either. They're not getting enough alone time, and it's wearing thin on both of them.

So he got bent out of shape over our luncheon, but couldn't really explain himself. Every time I've tried to get him to share his feelings with me, what comes out is that he's annoyed that he doesn't get enough play time. Not enough time with her, not enough time with me, not enough time with the kids, not enough time without the kids.

And, in fact, all of his issues and annoyances were directed at everything under the sun... except for me.

It was an awkward conversation when I finally had to be extremely blunt in saying, "But sweetie, there's a THIRD PERSON involved here." I have half a mind to self-publish a book called, "How to be a dick to your third" just to have it handy so I can smack people with it.

Because I've needed THEM often. I'm going through hell. They have no time for each other, for me, for their own needs, or anything.
They're the ones who have to make that time. They're the ones who need to face their tiny demons and say, "Who's a cute li'l fear demon? Is it you?" and then deal with their shit.

Augh.

So, after some outright whining and absolutely last-minute "please can you help with childcare in a couple of hours", they got a date. Then they got a good night's sleep. Then the next night we had my kind of a date.

I'm just a bit boggled that under the circumstances, I'm having significantly more drama with my OSOs than I am with my still-somewhat-incarcerated husband. (facepalm)

I say this to everyone.

No one quite believes me.

I'm a bottomless pit when it comes to sexual attention. I always seem to want more sex than the person or people I'm with.

My Lovelies have been fabulous with me for the last year and a half. He takes it as a personal challenge that I'm a bottomless pit and has taken some time to see if he can find the actual bottom of the pit.
On rare occasions, he has.

Last weekend, however, we didn't get anywhere near the bottom.
Sigh.

And when I realized that I wasn't going to get any more, I decided to go on home and let them attend to the things that they needed to do.
After all, I have tools at my house. (Some of them plug into the wall.)

However, when I explained why I was sweeping out the door, He was puzzled, then bewildered, then horrified and scrambled around trying to figure out how to help. I finally managed to get through to him that I acknowledged this as *my issue* and that I was going to leave in order to resolve it myself. This was not DRAMA, just a situation that I wanted to deal with on my own.

I also got a flurry of texts, to which I responded, "Your bottomless pit adores you, too."

I am what Dr. Emily Nagoski calls a "redliner", one of those in the minority who react to stressful situations with an increased interest in sex.
My MP/Husband is a "Flatliner", someone who reacts to stressful situations with a severely decreased interest in sex.

I suspect that my boyfriend is a redliner; who has had a significant amount of stress reduced in his life recently. He just changed jobs (same career, new employer) and that situation is working out for him. He's happy, balanced, cheerful, and relaxed, whereas at this time last year he was a basket case holding a ball of stress. So while my never-ending desire was something that neatly dovetailed into his stress-desire, now my stress-desire is outstripping his "usual" level of desire.

Well. It was bound to happen sometime.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/282921

I dug up this old episode of "The Ladies Man" from SNL.
I can do sections of it by memory.

In particular, I'd like to point out that Leon Phelps and I have the same idea of what constitutes a date.

Up soon:
What constitutes make-up sex
And now for my next magical trick: I can make a date disappear! Twice!
Accidental slut-shaming
Everything's Alright

I've recently run up against The Dance.
The Dance of Anger, though there are many other dances. In this dance, the dancer decides that something must change, but the process of change is too scary, so they return to the familiar steps of the dance, which is making them miserable. I know the dance. I pray always that I will have the strength to step out of The Dance whenever I can.

And I see so many people trapped in The Dance. Here's an example:

"Oh, woe is me... I'll never have a blue ball gown!"
"Blue? You're what, a size 14? Sure. Here you go."
"Uh. Whut. Er, yes, I'm a size 14, but this ball gown is turquoise."
"Ah, so it is. You were looking for Cerulean? More of a steel-blue? Royal blue? Navy?"
"I... no... that's not exactly what I meant."
"NOt blue? I have other colors. OH! Here's a silver one with blue twinkles. Just like Cinderella. Want to try it on?"
"No... no thank you. I... have no where to wear such a thing... and none of the right jewelry..."
"Shoes and jewelry are in the box behind you. There's a party tonight, or we could just go dancing."
"I can't afford to..."
"Nah, no cover tonight; I know the door guy. You do, too; he's an old friend."
"I'm not feeling very social..."
"Sure. It doesn't have to be tonight. When would you like to go out?"
"Uh, well, there's no where in the schedule..."
"Oh. Hmm, well I'm available for child care on Friday and Saturday night, or I could come on Wednesday."
"I don't think my husband would-"
"Are you kidding? I already cleared this with him."
"I'm not feeling well. I'm going to go lie down..."

And so the person who thought she wanted a blue ball gown talks herself out of a blue ball gown.
Maybe what she wanted was to feel like Cinderella. Maybe what she wanted was a dress like a bridesmaid she saw when she was a kid; all soft pastel chiffon layers that swish when she twirls. Maybe the dress doesn't even really enter into it; she wanted to feel like a teenager in an awkward but fancy and beautiful dress, surrounded by promise and opportunity. Maybe what she wanted wasn't the dress, or the party, or the dancing but to feel special. Maybe she wanted to be able to snap her own fingers and make such a dress suddenly appear, and is frustrated with her own budgetary restrictions.

Maybe she just wanted to go shopping.

But until she can articulate what she wants, she cannot have her blue ball gown.
And sometimes, the person who offers her the best blue ball gown isn't quite the right person, so it doesn't mean as much.

As the fairy godmother with hot-and-cold ball gowns on tap, I must say that my only selfish thought is that it hurts like a bitch when Cinderella doesn't want my gown, the shoes, the party, or the prince that I can offer her.
Especially when she's not interested in anything else I can give her, either. Like a hug.

Not enough time to go around. Not enough me, either.

I got another day with my husband last week. This wasn't a date, though. We did errands. I had to drive in horrific weather to get to him, and when I got there we were both stressed.

It was not a good morning.

Then we got something to eat and got everything smoothed out. That was better.

I also pointed out to him that there are hotels in the area, and that one of these visits ought to have a "date" in it. He agreed.

In the mean time I got my date with my lovelies. Unfortunately, I was almost too tired to appreciate it. We even had a hot waiter flirting with us at the restaurant. I felt like I was going to pass out.
Then He unbuttoned his shirt at me and I felt my energy levels spike back up.
He noticed the change right away and started being goofy and overplaying it, further unbuttoning his shirt and making faces.
She laughed.
I just raised an eyebrow and purred, "You think you're being silly. I'm not laughing. I am, however paying very close attention."

At the end of the meal, I needed change for the huge 50 dollar bill in my wallet. I asked the waiter for change and he looked at me through his thick lashes. "How do you want it?" he asked softly.
I said, "Twenties and a ten, please," but smiled broadly.
She was snickering next to me.

I suggested that we might find a local hotel with a king sized bed, and invite the hot waiter to join us.
She made approving noises, but He was very clear: OH HELL YES. He liked the hot waiter, too.

Nom.

We did not, in fact, seduce that poor member of the waitstaff. It was fun to fantasize about it, though.

However, that date on Friday burned the rest of what I had for the week.
I'm operating at a deficit now.

ugh.

My husband is back in this state.

I got to drive down to pick him up and bring him to the rehabilitation facility in a neighboring town. He will be there until the fall, when he is finally released.

It was tough to have him for a day and then give him back. *sigh*

I had considered carefully how I was going to have The Discussion with him, and had settled on waiting until near the end of the road trip, say with two hours left to go. That way, if it went badly we wouldn't have hours and hours of awkwardness, but I'd have enough time to help him get his head back on straight before depositing him.

However, we got to about four hours from our destination, and took a wrong turn. (Or rather, we failed to make the turn that would keep us on the same highway. Augh.) I tried to utilize my phone's map, but that's extremely difficult to do while driving.
So I asked him to look at it, hoping that he wouldn't "fiddle around" with the thing. After all, there are photos on there of my time with my lovelies, not to mention the text messages.

And he hadn't had his hands on a phone, computer, tablet, or other device in the last 4+ years.

He turned it off and back on again because we'd traveled out of signal range and it was having a hard time figuring out that there was signal again. Of course, once he did that, the phone alerted him to the fact that I had messages waiting.

I heard the tone and thought, "Oh, please let them be ordinary messages..."

"Hey, our friends from Wisconsin sent you a message asking if you'd gotten me home ok."

Oh, good.

"Oh, and Moon Goddess (not her real name) texted wanting to know if everything is OK. Should I answer?"

OH GOD.

All my hair stood up on end.
"NOPE," I said and snatched the phone right out of his hand.
He started to splutter at me indignantly (and no one splutters better than he does) so I smoothly cut him off with, "I do not want you looking at my messages. Unless you want to have THAT discussion. Are we going to have THAT discussion now?"

No, we apparently were NOT going to have THAT discussion.

Instead, we had the discussion about THAT discussion. I admit, a part of me is just staring at him and thinking, "Dude, just let me tell you what's going on. This doesn't have to be stupid and complicated." I don't let that wolf win.

However, he did admit that the "not knowing" part was likely making him more crazy. He just wasn't ready to discuss it yet, and he's not actually finished with his sentence. I predicted this as one of the outcomes; that he wouldn't want to even discuss it until he was finally free.

So I let him know that I was ready to talk about it whenever he was ready to talk about it.

And then we had the much more important conversation about OUR relationship. I reminded him that I'm not going anywhere, that we're together and that he's mine, and I'm his. I also pointed out that I'm my own person, and he's his own person, too. I got to remind him that I love him and I accepted him and embraced him, and that I married him AFTER the charges were filed. He admitted that he was quite an anomaly; He has no tattoos, he has a significant other who not only married him after the charges were filed, I kept his house for him and am ready to welcome him home with open arms.
And a pile of my hot female friends.

We discussed the Pile Of Hot Ladies I'm trying to put together for his homecoming party. We talked about the "Veto" list which was shorter than I expected. One person he put forth because he was concerned about being incompatibly crazy with her. The other is in a committed relationship, and therefore unlikely to be available anyway.

My Lovely Moon Goddess was NOT on the veto list. Interesting.

Another friend was not on the veto list, someone who has shown significant interest in the "rehabilitating my husband" project. In fact, she was interested in something involving the both of us. The last time he saw her, she was a little bit young for him. Interestingly, five years can make a hell of a difference. In fact, I think it's been six years since he saw her, since she disappeared off the radar when she went back to school.

So there might have to be two piles of hot ladies: One to welcome him home with cuddles, hugs, and maybe the occasional smooching. Clothes on, feeding him tidbits, rubbing his shoulders and petting his hair.
The other one... would be more intimate. Clothes off, more aggressive fondling, possibly even have it evolve into something like an orgy. Or a reverse gang-bang?
LOL #pimpmyhusband

I also got to have a day with him this week. He can apply for a pass to leave the facility, he just has to tell them where he's going and what he's doing while he's gone. This time, he got a pass to "Go home."

I got to bring him home for an afternoon!

It was three hours well spent. Mwa ha ha ha...

For the last few weeks, I've noticed my lovely girlfriend pulling away from me, emotionally. Nothing overt or really rude or anything, but I sensed that she was drifting away.

Talking about feelings is hard for her, sometimes. Harder than it is for me, apparently, and so I try to coax her when I feel like we should talk. However, we also had some other things distracting us. Her work situation heated up and suddenly she didn't have any spare time at all.

But I kind of got confirmation about that. She said that she didn't want me to disappear.

And it was really hard for her to say that.

The thing is, I don't want to disappear. I don't intend to. This stopped being a fling a long time ago, and we've woven our lives together. I don't want to break either of their hearts, or disappear from their children's lives.

And the fact remains that while I am finally going to see my husband, and will finally be able to discuss this with him, and while his needs are a priority, my needs are important, too.

I have no intention of being unreasonable. I also have no intention of throwing ANYONE under the bus. There is no reason why we can't continue this relationship. I can maintain my relationship with my husband and also maintain my relationship with my other significant others.

They're significant.

I also know that my husband might look me in the eye and say, "I know you have stories. I don't want to talk about any of your romantic adventures until September."
He might say, "So, about those two: How long have you been with them?"
My mental model of him is as complete as it could be, and I still don't know how he's going to feel about this stuff.

But I needed to make it clear to my Lovelies that my relationship with THEM is important to me, too. This stopped being something I could treat as temporary.

Plus, I've had primary relationship partners veto side relationships before; it does NOT end well.

My husband is going to return to me a changed person. He is going to be different because of his experience. He is going to be different because we weren't "together" for the last several years. I plan to embrace him, and the person he has become. I will not freak out that he's not the same person he was when he left. I'm ready to learn his new strengths, and shore him up where he has weakened. I know that our relationship is going to be a process, and I look forward to rebuilding the beautiful arch that we have always been. If the architecture changes, I'm prepared for that as well.

But he has to be ready to deal with the changes in me, too. What I bring to the table has changed. Who I associate with has changed. I have my own new strengths and my own weaknesses. So I'm hoping that we can just embrace one another and learn how to be whatever we are going to become, together.

Things are about to get complicated, and that scares my girlfriend.
And yet, in some ways they're also about to get really really simple. I'm looking forward to *that*.

( Complicated is all right. )

During the week after Father's Day, I get to drive a few states away to pick up my husband and bring him back to this area.

He'll be in a rehabilitation facility; what they used to call a halfway-house. This program is designed for people who have no outside support, but he signed up for it in order to get a chance to come back to his home area sooner. He'll be about 45 minutes from home!

What's more, he asked if he could arrange his own transportation. He wasn't looking forward to a bus trip that might take close to 24 hours to manage, plus trying to figure out how to get from downtown to way out in the country.

So I get to drive down and pick him up, and bring him back to St. Louis myself! It's going to be about a 14 hour trip, not counting meal break stops. I'll have to do all of the driving since his license expired while he was in.

I'm full of feels.
I'm excited about having him back, thrilled to be making the trip and getting one on one unsupervised time with him, and some of the relief at being finished with this whole business is starting to leak through, too.

I'm nervous about what kind of shape he's going to be in, what kind of people we are now, and how that's going to change our relationship. I knew there would be changes. I'm good at change. It doesn't make it any easier or less frustrating.

And of course I'm anxious about the serious conversation we need to have about my current situation with my Lovelies. There are so many ways for that to go, and while I feel confident that he won't throw down an ultimatum, I don't know what he's going to need to be comfortable. This could turn into a countdown clock to when he is finally at home in the fall, or it could turn into any number of other things.

In the mean time, I'm out of "days off" until my trip. Fortunately, my Lovelies and I made the most of Tuesday. (Whew. And how.)

How many years have I been using this icon?

Tomorrowland was full of validation for me.

In so many ways...

Go see it. Really. Do it now, before they take it away from us.

Oh, me, oh, my. All names below have been changed to protect the participants.

Thing One:
So George and Gracie broke up.
In fact, it was messy and stupid and awful. George had some epic family drama dropped in his lap, and Gracie responded by saying something rude about his family. That didn't go well. The were all over the place, then he hit her with a Dear John note saying she had to move out.

I scrambled into action when this hit. They're both friends of mine, and I helped Gracie find a much better alternative to moving back home with her mom (in another state, to "help out with grandpa", shudder.) I'm still friends with George, too, of course.

But it seems that George and Gracie aren't so much "broken up" as "stretched farther apart" or something. I don't know what they're doing. I'm not sure that THEY know what they're doing. I do know that they're "seeing" each other sometimes, and other people, too, separately. I know that she hopes that once his family drama settles down and the two of them get their heads back on straight that they can join forces again. I'm pretty sure that he hopes that same thing.

But the rest of the circle of friends see her preying on him.
That's not what *I* am seeing, but for some reason they are all coming to me to find out what the hell is going on. My answer: ASK THEM. When they whine to me that she's manipulating him, I say, "Does he think so?"
When they ask me what their "Deal" is, I say, "You'll have to ask them."
"Didn't she move out? Didn't he throw her out? Aren't they broken up?"
Sigh.

Relationships take many forms. They evolve, change, and react to tragedy in different ways. Hell, most of my relationships didn't fit into the basic boxes; I don't have boyfriends so much as paramours, lovers, "um-friends", primaries, secondaries, and the like.
I've had girlfriends, though. They also get some of the above titles, and I've taken to referring to a Girlfriend to casual observers as my "best friend". (Because I don't do "best friend" either, in its usual context.)

I don't have a problem with George and Gracie taking some time to figure things out. I don't have a problem with them getting some distance, or closing the gap. So far it seems like both of them are playing at a level that they're both comfortable with. Theirs might be some kind of "on again, off again" romance, or something open ended that evolves with their needs.
I would have a problem with it if I saw one or the other taking advantage or being cruel.
I don't see that, so let them do what they will.

But wait, there's OTHER drama, too!
Bruce and Selena are having a time of it, too. They live about an hour and a half/two hours away. Bruce moved in with Selena several years ago. They were roommates, then they started sleeping together, and were in a romantic relationship.
Apparently, he's been dealing with some kind of issue. I'm not sure if he's depressed, or ill, or what the deal is, but he hasn't been himself. He basically holed up and ignored her for two years, and she got fed up with it and told him that they were through, and that she wanted him to move out.
Now all of a sudden, Bruce wants to fix things, and is trying to win her back. She's not having it. She is moving on, going on dates with other guys, and doing carefully arranged hook ups at big events. He seems to think that their situation is fixable.

Bigger sigh.

Bruce and I have been friends a very long time. I only got to know Selena recently, and that wasn't even through him so much as through a different mutual friend. My girlfriend, in fact. Selena is a good friend of hers, and they collaborate on big projects often. So it was on our girls' night out that I discover all this crap going on, and I asked her if he was depressed.
She didn't know, but he wasn't going to do anything about it either way.

I did let her know that if she needed help prying him out of there, I could gather a team and *help*.
So far she says she's dealing with it.

In the mean time, I'm seeking a place for him closer to where he works. As it happens I have a nest of family right in that area, and could probably snag him a place to stay that would only require that he take over the utility payments.

I'd like to help my friend.
On the other hand, I'm concerned that finding him a place of his own is going to wind up isolating him *more* which will NOT help. I worry that this story ends with, "Found several days later" or something similar.
I know how sometimes my "help" is not helping. I don't want to "Do for" people because while it helps in a crisis situation, it's not a long-term solution.

And in the mean time? The gossip is hot.
Other than this post venting my frustration, I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Tuesday we all had a lovely date.
In addition to spending time with the two of them, I also got to carve out some time with him separately and with her, separately.

It does us all good to do that.

When he and I were spending time together, we had some pillow-talk that upgraded into discussing my husband's return. He brought it up, so we talked about it. He had been thinking about it, though not worrying incessantly or fretting. He let me know that he wanted to honor and respect my marriage and my husband's needs, so he understood that once my husband was home, things would change.

And while I just adore him for being so great about this, I also wanted him to know that I don't intend to give up what I have with Them, even when my husband returns. They are part of who I am now, and my love for them does not remove or replace my love for my husband.

Yes, my husband is going to want the larger piece of me when he returns. I'm fully prepared to give it to him. Eager to do so.
Really eager.
But I also know that my husband is going to need quiet time, alone time, and time away from the crowds. He needs that *anyway* to survive and he has had absolutely no privacy or alone time in over 4 years.
So there will be times when we negotiate some space between us, and I think that will be healthy for both of us.
It just happens that when I arrange to be away, I have somewhere to go. I have someone to lean on. I have someone who will help me recharge so that when I return I'm ready for the next adventure, or crisis, or whatever.

So I also talked to Her about it, and let her know what He and I had discussed, plus my feelings in the matter. I asked her if she wanted to "keep" me, too.
She smiled and said that she did.

In fact, I watched her face carefully. She is my mysterious moon, and can be a hard read sometimes, but I also have learned her wyrding ways. I suspect that some of the... background static going on lately is related to their anxiety about my husband's return.
Not high anxiety. Nothing dramatic. Just a little nagging voice in the back of their heads telling them that I might be whisked away, and soon.
So yeah, as I talked about it with me I watched her careful expressions.
She should not play poker with me.

So while it all still could go horribly wrong, I have faith and confidence that it will all work out for the best.

And in the mean time I have a lovely boyfriend and girlfriend to keep me warm, happy, laughing, and well-fed.

The little mundane things are pretty awesome, too.

I had a sudden emergency take me out of town, so I missed the big birthday party over the weekend. However, today was one of the kids' birthdays, so I was supposed to join in on dinner. As it happened, I wasn't able to get out of work quite early enough for that, but instead I got to meet up with the family at the park. He plays on a team, so I got to see him play and help keep an eye on the little ones.

She and I got to hang out for that, then went back to the house. I helped with kid duty, including redirecting one of them out of a tantrum and getting some chores done.
Then we watched some netflix on the couch and snuggled.

Sigh.

No big date, no special meal/show/outing, no hanky-panky. Just a nice evening at "home".

So nice.

(Don't misunderstand; I'm always up for hanky-panky.)

Ups and downs have happened since my last post, including some inadvertent cock blocking and some intense reconnections.

And large steps taken, too.
For the holiday I was invited to Her family celebration on Friday. About half of the adults at that party knew what was what, so it was a little odd.
My family has been inviting them along for things for a while now, but their schedule is significantly harder to juggle with three sets of grandparents.

And He actually sat his dad down and told him about the situation. He presented it beautifully, opening with how amazing his marriage is, and how the two of them are closer than they've ever been.
And then mentioned that they both have a girlfriend.

His dad is a very religious man.
His dad actually founded a local charity that is kind of a big deal.

His dad was totally cool with everything, and in fact said that "God is love."
I said, "Your dad and I have the same faith system, then."

His dad also suggested that perhaps this was not information that his stepmom needed, as it would likely confuse her thoroughly, and cause her to have a constant stream of inappropriate questions.

And so it goes.
She told her mother but not Her father, for similar reasons. (Though I think in that instance, they're not giving her dad enough credit. On the other hand, I don't know him as well as they do.) She's told her sister, who is a burlesque dancer and a very free spirit. They've not told the other sister, though she's starting to get the picture, I think.

As for me, my mom knows about me. She knows my "lifestyle." I told her about the first girl I really fell in love with, and other than the age difference she was fine with it. She has known that most of my relationships have been one form of poly or another and has listened to me whine about my random drama for years.

I don't discuss my sex life with my father.
At all.
However, I have made it clear to him that my Lovelies are important to me. That they're friends I care about a great deal.

My father also believes that God is Love, and he believes in loving one's friends and family. Family gatherings on his side have an invite list that always says, "And friends" and he never makes anyone define those friendships.

Hell, for all I know, he and my stepmother have been having an open relationship all this time with a couple of special friends. There are a few that the two of them seem really intensely close with. Who knows?

I did tell my stepmom about my situation several years ago, with my male primary and my female secondary. Or female primary. She was really primary to me, and secondary to him.
Anyway, I explained everything to her, and she listened gravely with very large eyes. She asked me about the drama, which there wasn't. She accepted it instantly, even though it was clear that she hadn't completely wrapped her head around it, but after that she treated my female primary like family.

So it's not like I'm hiding anything from my father. I just don't discuss the sexual stuff with him, and without that part of the conversation, telling him that my lovelies are special, or important, is all I need to do.

My Lovelies are coming out to their families, a little at a time. They're getting a really excellent reception to the whole thing and their families are starting to draw me in.
I like this a lot.

I admit, I'm still nervous about what my husband is going to say or do when he returns home. On the other hand, I still can't imagine him wanting to take something from me that feeds me so much. What I have with them won't take away from what I have with him. He's still my highest priority, just as their children are their highest priority.
And he gets to come home to a poly family who cares about him and is there for both of us.

Last weekend was excellent. There was talking, touching, reconnection time, and working out some of the details.

Unfortunately She was not well enough to play.

Fortunately He was well enough (and ravenous.)

As a result, I'm now leaning toward her and hoping that we can have some girl time together.

A mutual friend is coming in to town tomorrow, and so She asked me if I'd be part of a Girls' Night, starting with going to the mall and finishing up at a local theme bar.

Well. All right then.
Saturday I do have to work but it shouldn't be too demanding. (Therefore if we stay out past midnight I won't be wrecked the next day.)

Starting this Sunday, I'm staying with them through Wednesday night, including picking Him up at the airport after his trip and running him home.
On Saturday, I might take the kids out to do something fun (movie? Arcade?) so that They can have a night together before he goes on his trip. Of course, that depends upon what They want to do. They might want to put the kids to bed early and throw me down on the bed. It's certainly possible.
Mwa ha ha.

Next week, I'm hoping for some girl time. There are a few small windows of opportunity, including Monday morning before I leave for work.

We'll have to see.

On the 31st, we all have a date together.
I'm considering renting a hotel room with a king-sized bed for that day.

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lollypox

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I Must Not Fear

Fear is the mindkiller

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