The Castle Needs Work
Aug. 6th, 2016 08:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lollypoxI ran across a cute comic about "Building A Consent Castle" that was charming but not especially informative. I'm really good at building a Consent Castle. I didn't call it that, but it's what all that careful "rappelling down the cliff" was about with my Lovelies. It's what all that foundation was about with my Male Primary, and why he and I still check in with each other on a regular basis.
But I recently had a situation come up that involved Consent Issues in more than one way and it's caused me to regroup and put on my construction equipment.
Without getting into the juicy details, here's the basics of what happened:
I had a date.
When I made the date, I reminded my girlfriend that I had to work in the morning, but that I was willing to still have a date that night. This was discussed several times, including the day of the date when I was asked if I was spending the night. I reminded them both that I had to be up early in the morning, so I wasn't planning on staying late or sleeping over.
It was decided that we'd get a meal out, then go to their house and watch a movie. They provided the meal, I provided the DVD.
Having done all of that, my boyfriend asked if we were all going to "Go Upstairs" meaning "Sexy Times."
She said sure, I said sure, and he and I went upstairs.
She completed her nightly routine. For her, this involves several activities including medications and household duties.
So he and I were in bed snuggled together when she came up. He and I discussed some expectations. We wanted to put her in the middle and get things going.
She came to bed, climbed in on her side, rolled on to her side facing the window and settled down. This is a very closed posture, though it is the one that allows her the most comfort.
What followed was a series of miscommunications. She was giving almost no feedback, negative or positive. When he asked her to roll over (to the middle of the bed) she replied that she is not a log.
I chose to downshift into a more sensual headspace. I shifted to light touches, nothing specifically sexual, but the kind of touching she really enjoys. I've done this in the past to help her go to sleep and sometimes it does spark strong desire.
But I looked at the clock; I was running out of time.
At that point, I adjusted my internal expectations. If I could get her fired up, perhaps we'd have enough time that I could get her "there", and maybe even him too. I was not going to have enough time for everyone to get there, so I decided that was ok if I didn't get "any".
When he joined in, they were still no where near the same page, and she admonished him for being in a rush, expressing that they didn't need to be on any kind of schedule, we had all night, etc. etc. (Childcare was off-site and overnight for them.)
This annoyed me, because I did NOT have all night, I WAS on a schedule, and I'd expressed that several times. So I spoke up and said, "Well, actually, I still have to get up in the morning. I'll be walking out the door at 11:30 regardless of what's going on at that point."
So I was able to coax her into a position where we could all play together, and each of them reached their "destination." After that, we snuggled in bed for a bit and I noticed that it was 11:20. He turned to me and said, "Ok, it's your turn."
My response was, "NOPE. I need to go." And I went to get up.
What followed was an astonishing amount of pleading and whining and wheedling, started by him and then she joined in, too. I restated my intent to leave by 11:30, and she said something like, "Well, you could leave at like, 11:35, right?"
I caved. I chose to stay. Ten minutes later, I was putting on my clothes.
And unhappy.
I was still later leaving than I intended, and on the drive home I was overwhelmed with feelings of ickiness.
I realized: I was just coerced into a sexual situation. By people who love me. Holy shit.
I needed a few days to process this. (And, apparently several conversations with my Male Primary.) In the mean time, I was somewhat uncommunicative with my Lovelies. They noticed, and wanted to know what was up. To be fair, I was scheduled to work all weekend, so I had little time to spare until Wednesday, which was my day off.
To be continued.
But I recently had a situation come up that involved Consent Issues in more than one way and it's caused me to regroup and put on my construction equipment.
Without getting into the juicy details, here's the basics of what happened:
I had a date.
When I made the date, I reminded my girlfriend that I had to work in the morning, but that I was willing to still have a date that night. This was discussed several times, including the day of the date when I was asked if I was spending the night. I reminded them both that I had to be up early in the morning, so I wasn't planning on staying late or sleeping over.
It was decided that we'd get a meal out, then go to their house and watch a movie. They provided the meal, I provided the DVD.
Having done all of that, my boyfriend asked if we were all going to "Go Upstairs" meaning "Sexy Times."
She said sure, I said sure, and he and I went upstairs.
She completed her nightly routine. For her, this involves several activities including medications and household duties.
So he and I were in bed snuggled together when she came up. He and I discussed some expectations. We wanted to put her in the middle and get things going.
She came to bed, climbed in on her side, rolled on to her side facing the window and settled down. This is a very closed posture, though it is the one that allows her the most comfort.
What followed was a series of miscommunications. She was giving almost no feedback, negative or positive. When he asked her to roll over (to the middle of the bed) she replied that she is not a log.
I chose to downshift into a more sensual headspace. I shifted to light touches, nothing specifically sexual, but the kind of touching she really enjoys. I've done this in the past to help her go to sleep and sometimes it does spark strong desire.
But I looked at the clock; I was running out of time.
At that point, I adjusted my internal expectations. If I could get her fired up, perhaps we'd have enough time that I could get her "there", and maybe even him too. I was not going to have enough time for everyone to get there, so I decided that was ok if I didn't get "any".
When he joined in, they were still no where near the same page, and she admonished him for being in a rush, expressing that they didn't need to be on any kind of schedule, we had all night, etc. etc. (Childcare was off-site and overnight for them.)
This annoyed me, because I did NOT have all night, I WAS on a schedule, and I'd expressed that several times. So I spoke up and said, "Well, actually, I still have to get up in the morning. I'll be walking out the door at 11:30 regardless of what's going on at that point."
So I was able to coax her into a position where we could all play together, and each of them reached their "destination." After that, we snuggled in bed for a bit and I noticed that it was 11:20. He turned to me and said, "Ok, it's your turn."
My response was, "NOPE. I need to go." And I went to get up.
What followed was an astonishing amount of pleading and whining and wheedling, started by him and then she joined in, too. I restated my intent to leave by 11:30, and she said something like, "Well, you could leave at like, 11:35, right?"
I caved. I chose to stay. Ten minutes later, I was putting on my clothes.
And unhappy.
I was still later leaving than I intended, and on the drive home I was overwhelmed with feelings of ickiness.
I realized: I was just coerced into a sexual situation. By people who love me. Holy shit.
I needed a few days to process this. (And, apparently several conversations with my Male Primary.) In the mean time, I was somewhat uncommunicative with my Lovelies. They noticed, and wanted to know what was up. To be fair, I was scheduled to work all weekend, so I had little time to spare until Wednesday, which was my day off.
To be continued.
