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lollypoxMy latest round of navel-gazing relates to my history with girlfriends.
And you know, when you see patterns in your past relationships, the common denominator is yourself. I have limited experience with romantic relationships with women. I've had far more with men.
And I'm realizing that I am entirely unaccustomed to being treated really well by a girlfriend. Like, at all.
This is not to say that I hooked up with abusers. Ok, so there was the one abusive ex-girlfriend. I've mentioned her here from time to time.
I do seem to seek out women who show me a certain level of indifference, though. From the one who thought we were in competition with one another (never, not from this angle) to the one who was such a sub that she could barely articulate her desire. Pretty much every one of my girlfriends required a level of discretion with our relationship, either because we were both women or because we were involved in a larger relationship, too. Even my first girlfriend was a little bit shy about showing affection (or receiving it from me) in front of her friends, and we're talking about a pagan circle.
I have this girlfriend, now. I fear that I've been unfair to her because I've been expecting behavior that has come before. I'm untangling all of this in my mind and I'm sorting through my heart to find what it is that I actually want from her.
I've always taken what was offered, even though it usually wasn't nearly enough. I was so pleased to have any affection at all that I contented myself with what was given. I feared pushing too hard and being rejected (with good reason) that I never shoved my affection at my girlfriends. I was affectionate up to point, and when brushed off, I withdrew or showed my affection in more subtle ways.
I have this wonderful woman in my life. She is so many things, and I have loved her for so very long. I stand in awe of her, always. And she treats me really well. She shares her feelings with me, and is opening up more and more. She made me a mix cd that is beautiful and meaningful. She shows me no indifference, no bare tolerance, and is quietly reminding me that I'm valuable, beautiful, and hers. I'm reminded that her fingerprints are all over my life, and that she draws from me the qualities I like best about myself. She accepts my help and my strength when she needs it. She picks me up when I fall down. She walks through life leaving beauty in her wake and I am one of the things that she makes more beautiful.
I'm teaching her to be brave. I'm teaching her to communicate effectively, and how to navigate this new strange path that all three of us are on. I'm providing another support for the structure of her life.
I'm just suddenly realizing that she's providing another support for mine. I'm unaccustomed to that.
But I like it.
And you know, when you see patterns in your past relationships, the common denominator is yourself. I have limited experience with romantic relationships with women. I've had far more with men.
And I'm realizing that I am entirely unaccustomed to being treated really well by a girlfriend. Like, at all.
This is not to say that I hooked up with abusers. Ok, so there was the one abusive ex-girlfriend. I've mentioned her here from time to time.
I do seem to seek out women who show me a certain level of indifference, though. From the one who thought we were in competition with one another (never, not from this angle) to the one who was such a sub that she could barely articulate her desire. Pretty much every one of my girlfriends required a level of discretion with our relationship, either because we were both women or because we were involved in a larger relationship, too. Even my first girlfriend was a little bit shy about showing affection (or receiving it from me) in front of her friends, and we're talking about a pagan circle.
I have this girlfriend, now. I fear that I've been unfair to her because I've been expecting behavior that has come before. I'm untangling all of this in my mind and I'm sorting through my heart to find what it is that I actually want from her.
I've always taken what was offered, even though it usually wasn't nearly enough. I was so pleased to have any affection at all that I contented myself with what was given. I feared pushing too hard and being rejected (with good reason) that I never shoved my affection at my girlfriends. I was affectionate up to point, and when brushed off, I withdrew or showed my affection in more subtle ways.
I have this wonderful woman in my life. She is so many things, and I have loved her for so very long. I stand in awe of her, always. And she treats me really well. She shares her feelings with me, and is opening up more and more. She made me a mix cd that is beautiful and meaningful. She shows me no indifference, no bare tolerance, and is quietly reminding me that I'm valuable, beautiful, and hers. I'm reminded that her fingerprints are all over my life, and that she draws from me the qualities I like best about myself. She accepts my help and my strength when she needs it. She picks me up when I fall down. She walks through life leaving beauty in her wake and I am one of the things that she makes more beautiful.
I'm teaching her to be brave. I'm teaching her to communicate effectively, and how to navigate this new strange path that all three of us are on. I'm providing another support for the structure of her life.
I'm just suddenly realizing that she's providing another support for mine. I'm unaccustomed to that.
But I like it.
