Breakin' Up is hard to do... Part Two.
Dec. 4th, 2005 12:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lollypoxI hope you all liked my previous essay.
In case you're wondering, these are the first drafts of my attempt to nail down the etiquette appropriate for a break-up. When most people break up, someone is spoiling for a fight.
Let's face it, no one likes to be in fights with people they love. Well. Some people do, and I suggest therapy for them.
So here's the other side of the coin: What to do when someone breaks up with YOU.
Yes, this is Teh Suck. There you were, minding your own business, putting in the effort and the work to make this relationship and your partner has pulled the rug out from under you. Suddenly the person you care about has told you that you are no longer loved.
It's the worst day of your life.
Hate to tell you this, but it probably ISN'T the worst day of your life. Try to remember that.
Hang on to "This, too, Shall Pass" while dealing with the actual breaking-up.
You might think to yourself that you owe this Asshat (who yesterday was your luv bunny) nothing, but if the asshat in question has shown you courtesy, you owe some of that back.
Here's what you're entitled to do:
1. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Sometimes clarification is necessary. Feel free to throw this one in early to make sure you understand what's actually happening.
2. "Is there anything we can do to fix this?"
Ask if the relationship is really dead or needs resuscitation. Yes, you are allowed to ask if you can give it one more go. Sometimes what sounds like a breakup speech is really your partner's confusion and pain. You are required to do this gently, and sanely. What Would A Creepy Stalker Say? Don't say anything that fits that category. You get to ask it ONCE. More on this below.
3. "Do you want your stuff back?"
Whether it's a matter of ending a semi-regular booty call, or a divorce from a marriage... be respectful of the Asshat's stuff. If there were expensive gifts, offer them back. If the Asshat has stuff at your house, return it to them promptly and in the condition they left it. Don't be an asshat yourself.
4. "Go away."
You are allowed to tell the Asshat to leave you alone indefinitely. Really. Don't go for "Let's Just Be Friends." Get some distance first. After a few weeks, if you feel like talking then reach back out.
Here's what you should NEVER NEVER DO, except under circumstances outlined later in this essay.
1. Make A Scene.
Be a grown-up. Don't throw things, scream and holler, make a huge scene in the restaurant, or try to form an attack. I realize that you're hurting but you don't need to make this Everyone's Business.
2. "Please gimme one more chance!!"
Don't beg. Seriously. You can ask if the relationship is repairable, but don't make a big issue out of it. Ask once, and if refused WALK AWAY.
3. Attempt Revenge.
Human beings are physically incapable of the whole "Eye for an Eye" thing. If someone knocks out your eye, you're going to want to inflict about 30-50% more damage on them to make it "Even." Go ahead and indulge yourself in revenge *fantasies*. Go ahead and vilify your new ex in private. Don't attempt an attack. In fact, don't come out swinging when the Asshat breaks up with you. Anyway, your friends are going to beat the Asshat senseless anyway.
4. "Let's just be friends."
Don't do this. Give yourself a bit of time to recover first. When you're able to look at it from a distance, you might be able to put the friendship back together. You're hurting, this person HURT you. This person is not currently your friend. Rebuild a friendship with this person later if you can, but give yourself time to adjust to the new dynamic, first, ok?
So, you've taken the hit gracefully. You've followed the steps above. You're torn to pieces. Go, grieve, call your friends and wail, do your processing.
However.
Sometimes The Asshat does it all wrong. There are circumstances which are extenuating.
If your ex does any of the below, all bets are off. Go ahead and come out swinging.
1. "I'm breaking up with you because I can't be trusted. Here's a photo of the child I had with another person while we were together."
This is the extreme version. "I'm breaking up with you because I'm a lying bastard" comes pretty close, but not really. At the tail end of a relationship there will be deception. It happens. If your ex has been lying and cheating constantly throughout the relationship... ugh. Swing away.
2. The Replacement.
If someone breaks up with you by forming a new relationship, that's a no-no. I am poly, so I have to qualify this statement.
If someone breaks up with you by forming a monogamous relationship with someone else, and shutting you out, that's a no-no. I'm all about "and." However, using an "or" statement to break off a relationship is just dumb.
3. The Personal Attack:
This one is tricky. Every breakup feels like a personal attack. What I mean by this is someone who starts a fight with you so that they can break up with you in the heat of the argument. Once again, I feel the need to qualify this some more.
"We have to break up because I don't like you anymore due to X" is NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK.
"You're an ugly git and I've always hated you and I'm breaking it off because I only went out with you out of pity or a dare" now, THAT's a personal attack. I want to further point out that even though it may FEEL as though the above is what your new ex is saying, unless those are the actual words which are coming out of their mouth... it's not a personal attack.
Now.
Those of you who are reading this, feel free to spout off, offer critique, and especially offer your own stories. Comments are screened, and you're allowed to post anonymously if you need to.
In case you're wondering, these are the first drafts of my attempt to nail down the etiquette appropriate for a break-up. When most people break up, someone is spoiling for a fight.
Let's face it, no one likes to be in fights with people they love. Well. Some people do, and I suggest therapy for them.
So here's the other side of the coin: What to do when someone breaks up with YOU.
Yes, this is Teh Suck. There you were, minding your own business, putting in the effort and the work to make this relationship and your partner has pulled the rug out from under you. Suddenly the person you care about has told you that you are no longer loved.
It's the worst day of your life.
Hate to tell you this, but it probably ISN'T the worst day of your life. Try to remember that.
Hang on to "This, too, Shall Pass" while dealing with the actual breaking-up.
You might think to yourself that you owe this Asshat (who yesterday was your luv bunny) nothing, but if the asshat in question has shown you courtesy, you owe some of that back.
Here's what you're entitled to do:
1. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Sometimes clarification is necessary. Feel free to throw this one in early to make sure you understand what's actually happening.
2. "Is there anything we can do to fix this?"
Ask if the relationship is really dead or needs resuscitation. Yes, you are allowed to ask if you can give it one more go. Sometimes what sounds like a breakup speech is really your partner's confusion and pain. You are required to do this gently, and sanely. What Would A Creepy Stalker Say? Don't say anything that fits that category. You get to ask it ONCE. More on this below.
3. "Do you want your stuff back?"
Whether it's a matter of ending a semi-regular booty call, or a divorce from a marriage... be respectful of the Asshat's stuff. If there were expensive gifts, offer them back. If the Asshat has stuff at your house, return it to them promptly and in the condition they left it. Don't be an asshat yourself.
4. "Go away."
You are allowed to tell the Asshat to leave you alone indefinitely. Really. Don't go for "Let's Just Be Friends." Get some distance first. After a few weeks, if you feel like talking then reach back out.
Here's what you should NEVER NEVER DO, except under circumstances outlined later in this essay.
1. Make A Scene.
Be a grown-up. Don't throw things, scream and holler, make a huge scene in the restaurant, or try to form an attack. I realize that you're hurting but you don't need to make this Everyone's Business.
2. "Please gimme one more chance!!"
Don't beg. Seriously. You can ask if the relationship is repairable, but don't make a big issue out of it. Ask once, and if refused WALK AWAY.
3. Attempt Revenge.
Human beings are physically incapable of the whole "Eye for an Eye" thing. If someone knocks out your eye, you're going to want to inflict about 30-50% more damage on them to make it "Even." Go ahead and indulge yourself in revenge *fantasies*. Go ahead and vilify your new ex in private. Don't attempt an attack. In fact, don't come out swinging when the Asshat breaks up with you. Anyway, your friends are going to beat the Asshat senseless anyway.
4. "Let's just be friends."
Don't do this. Give yourself a bit of time to recover first. When you're able to look at it from a distance, you might be able to put the friendship back together. You're hurting, this person HURT you. This person is not currently your friend. Rebuild a friendship with this person later if you can, but give yourself time to adjust to the new dynamic, first, ok?
So, you've taken the hit gracefully. You've followed the steps above. You're torn to pieces. Go, grieve, call your friends and wail, do your processing.
However.
Sometimes The Asshat does it all wrong. There are circumstances which are extenuating.
If your ex does any of the below, all bets are off. Go ahead and come out swinging.
1. "I'm breaking up with you because I can't be trusted. Here's a photo of the child I had with another person while we were together."
This is the extreme version. "I'm breaking up with you because I'm a lying bastard" comes pretty close, but not really. At the tail end of a relationship there will be deception. It happens. If your ex has been lying and cheating constantly throughout the relationship... ugh. Swing away.
2. The Replacement.
If someone breaks up with you by forming a new relationship, that's a no-no. I am poly, so I have to qualify this statement.
If someone breaks up with you by forming a monogamous relationship with someone else, and shutting you out, that's a no-no. I'm all about "and." However, using an "or" statement to break off a relationship is just dumb.
3. The Personal Attack:
This one is tricky. Every breakup feels like a personal attack. What I mean by this is someone who starts a fight with you so that they can break up with you in the heat of the argument. Once again, I feel the need to qualify this some more.
"We have to break up because I don't like you anymore due to X" is NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK.
"You're an ugly git and I've always hated you and I'm breaking it off because I only went out with you out of pity or a dare" now, THAT's a personal attack. I want to further point out that even though it may FEEL as though the above is what your new ex is saying, unless those are the actual words which are coming out of their mouth... it's not a personal attack.
Now.
Those of you who are reading this, feel free to spout off, offer critique, and especially offer your own stories. Comments are screened, and you're allowed to post anonymously if you need to.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-12-04 09:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-04 11:31 pm (UTC)We're talking about etiquette here.
Although... I am suddenly reminded of a friend from high school who would do this. She did it partly for back-up. The "new" guy was always temporary but she wanted to have someone strong in her corner in case the break up went badly.
Of course, this is the tactic of a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.
Grown-ups shouldn't have to resort to these tactics, dammit.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-04 09:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-04 11:33 pm (UTC)However. The period between when you were fucking that person and when you became platonic friends... there's not going to be much friendly feeling there.
Ok, it does happen sometimes. I have a few stories where this happened, (and I'll be posting them eventually) but for the most part, immediately post-break-up... no. Not friends. Friends later. Not friends now.