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Jul. 11th, 2006 12:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lollypoxI posted this in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
polyamory a while back, and it has come to my attention that some of my readers don't read polyamory... so see what you think of this:
I have recently been inundated with requests for help from other friends who are trying to make polyamory work for them in their relationships.
Somewhere along the line I became the poster child for the functional poly person, plus I'm apparently approachable. I like that, a little bit, but I know better than to believe my own press.
I decided that I need to have something basic I can hit these people with. Something I can say to all those bright eyed noobs out there who want to know what my advice is now that they're considering opening their love and including other people in it.
Here's my idea: I ask a big question.
"So you have decided to give being Poly a try, and want to know if there's any advice I have for you, right? Here's my question: When you fuck this up, how will you handle it?"
I chose the phrasing very carefully.
I did not say, "IF you fuck this up" I said WHEN. Actually, I think more couples should ask themselves this, even if they have no intention of living a poly lifestyle. We are all human. We should be aware of our own faults to a certain extent. We need to understand that despite our best efforts, something will go wrong with our relationship. Some fault or hurt will occur. We ARE going to Fuck This UP at some point.
I also did not say, "how SHOULD you handle it", I said, "How will you handle it". This is deliberate, too. This is not a question about how you would like things to happen. This question is about reality: How WILL you handle it" is a tough question, too. It requires a certain amount of self-awareness. Think for a minute, remember your previous relationships. When hurt do you lash out? Do you recoil and hide? Do you shove everything under the rug until you burst forth in a towering inferno of rage over something trivial? When your partner freaks out completely over something you hadn't counted on, will you confront, accuse, knuckle under, or ignore them?
This question also asks a subtler thing: If this situation goes south, which partner are you likely to choose, if choose you must? It is fair to tell someone that should the chips fall that way, you would choose your other partner over them.
I'm not saying that I believe in choosing one partner over another. I have high ideals.
However, we're all monkeys really. We are human and humans have predictable patterns even if we're breaking society's mold for us.
If we discuss what will happen when things get bad, we will be more informed and ready to deal with the meltdowns with responsible actions and adult choices, I think.
Just a thought.
Anyone else have something to add to this?
polyamory a while back, and it has come to my attention that some of my readers don't read polyamory... so see what you think of this:I have recently been inundated with requests for help from other friends who are trying to make polyamory work for them in their relationships.
Somewhere along the line I became the poster child for the functional poly person, plus I'm apparently approachable. I like that, a little bit, but I know better than to believe my own press.
I decided that I need to have something basic I can hit these people with. Something I can say to all those bright eyed noobs out there who want to know what my advice is now that they're considering opening their love and including other people in it.
Here's my idea: I ask a big question.
"So you have decided to give being Poly a try, and want to know if there's any advice I have for you, right? Here's my question: When you fuck this up, how will you handle it?"
I chose the phrasing very carefully.
I did not say, "IF you fuck this up" I said WHEN. Actually, I think more couples should ask themselves this, even if they have no intention of living a poly lifestyle. We are all human. We should be aware of our own faults to a certain extent. We need to understand that despite our best efforts, something will go wrong with our relationship. Some fault or hurt will occur. We ARE going to Fuck This UP at some point.
I also did not say, "how SHOULD you handle it", I said, "How will you handle it". This is deliberate, too. This is not a question about how you would like things to happen. This question is about reality: How WILL you handle it" is a tough question, too. It requires a certain amount of self-awareness. Think for a minute, remember your previous relationships. When hurt do you lash out? Do you recoil and hide? Do you shove everything under the rug until you burst forth in a towering inferno of rage over something trivial? When your partner freaks out completely over something you hadn't counted on, will you confront, accuse, knuckle under, or ignore them?
This question also asks a subtler thing: If this situation goes south, which partner are you likely to choose, if choose you must? It is fair to tell someone that should the chips fall that way, you would choose your other partner over them.
I'm not saying that I believe in choosing one partner over another. I have high ideals.
However, we're all monkeys really. We are human and humans have predictable patterns even if we're breaking society's mold for us.
If we discuss what will happen when things get bad, we will be more informed and ready to deal with the meltdowns with responsible actions and adult choices, I think.
Just a thought.
Anyone else have something to add to this?
