It's nice to get around to things.
Oct. 12th, 2006 12:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lollypoxI recently became the recipient of a 'round Tuit.
I finished a project that I've been pondering for a while.
There's this thing about me that makes people ask me questions and question me for advice. I'm the "Wise Older Woman" to kids and teenagers who need no-bullshit advice on sex. I'm the one my friends come to for Poly advice and random sex ed questions, particularly the stuff they don't teach you in school.
I managed to create an essay that I'm proud enough of to put in this journal. I'm interested in the feedback that any of you might have for me. As usual, comments are screened. If you want your critique unscreened, let me know when you post.
I should warn everyone that this is totally NSFW. Don't let the boss catch you reading this.
How to use a shoehorn to get that in…
Or, yes, you can take that.
I don’t really mean a shoehorn. I simply want to discuss how a woman can get to know her body, its limits, and explore what she actually wants from a partner in bed.
In truth, we’re taught lots of things about sex, and there’s a lot to absorb from a multitude of sources. Even those of us who research things meticulously can be at sea when it comes to the stuff they don’t talk about in books.
Something really important to consider is that if you yourself don’t know what your body feels like, what it likes, what it can’t handle and what does nothing for it, how can you expect your partner to figure these things out?
As girls it can become very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that men all know the secrets to our most intimate parts, and it is up to them to navigate those areas and bring us to unimagined heights of ecstasy. It doesn’t actually work that way in real life. There’s some talented fellas (and girls) out there, but every woman is a different “combination lock” and sometimes the same combination doesn’t work for the same woman twice.
So here’s what I propose: Take some time when you have a moment and are feeling kind of sexy. Maybe have a shower or a bath first, if you’re a little shy with yourself. (As a side note, it’s ok to be shy with yourself.)
Get out a hand-mirror (Even a makeup compact mirror will do) and give yourself a look. If what you see doesn’t line up with what you’ve researched, then you’re perfectly normal. If it does line up with what you’ve already seen, then you’re normal, too. We’re as individual down there as we are up here on our faces.
Ok, I’m betting you know what everything is and what it’s called. Touch each part softly and say the name to yourself. Look and touch, then close your eyes and think about where you’re touching.
Once you get to know your places and what they feel like, you can do some exploring. Build a fantasy for yourself. Touch yourself while you fantasize and go ahead and get yourself off.
Now, once you cool off, ask yourself what made that work for you. Was most of your stimulation external or internal? Did you tease yourself then increase pressure, or did you jump right in and gallop for the goal? Did you touch your clit directly or indirectly?
You’re taking inventory because you’ve just figured out what your combination lock is. Here’s the cool part: you can reset that lock, and create other combinations for yourself.
To get yourself more comfortable with penetration, start with your own fingers. It will not be the same as having someone else touch you, as I’m sure you’re aware. With the direct feedback, you can learn some important things about yourself. It may be easier to deal with if you also stroke yourself in your accustomed way while you do this. Fingering yourself is trickier than having someone else finger you in that you have limited angles with which to work, but go ahead and play with it this way for a while.
Use one finger, and then if that starts to really feel good, work up to two. Use as many as you are comfortable with, if you feel like you’re pushing your boundaries, go back one.
Now look at your hand. Look at the number of fingers you were using and remember that you’re going to start with something approximately that large.
Here’s the thing: A dildo might not be the perfect tool for this. Something you can consider is that they do make very small butt-plugs, and I assure you that those plugs are good for more than just butts.
You never have to put yours in your butt if you don’t want to, of course.
Buy a dildo or plug that seems to be as big around as the fingers you were using. Now buy one a little bigger.
Buy some lube, too. Something that smells good to you, and don’t grab one of the warming ones.
The next time you have a chance where you have some time to yourself, (and this might be the minute you get home!) settle in for a good time.
At this point I would recommend that you do something that stimulates you erotically. If you like to read erotic fiction, do that. If you like to watch video, do that. If you construct mental fantasies, do that. If you have a friend you can have phone or internet sex with, do that.
But don’t touch yourself yet.
Use your favorite medium to get yourself worked up. Be excited before you start.
Play with the fantasy in your head and then start to touch yourself. You might want to work with fingers first as a warm up.
Now, at this point I’m going to suggest that if you know that you need a long time to reset after you orgasm, you should hold off on climaxing for a bit. If you don’t need a pause between, or are multi-orgasmic, I actually recommend that you go ahead and climax before you get into insertion play. It will make you more relaxed and it will make the penetration much MUCH easier.
If you don’t really know yet which way things work for you, experiment. You can always stop and try again later, after all.
**Important note!** If you are still in possession of your hymen, you will want to proceed with extreme caution. All of this advice about being worked up is still entirely valid. IF you just rip the thing it’s going to hurt like a bitch! You can also go to your OBGYN and have it removed. If your GYN gives you static, SWITCH DOCTORS.
When you have worked yourself up pretty well, take the smaller dildo and set it against the opening of your vagina. Continue to masturbate, but rub that dildo against the opening. If you are not very wet, add lube. A little bit goes a long way, but don’t be afraid to hose yourself down with the stuff. Often times, difficulty with penetration is related to the fact that the area wasn’t lubricated enough. Also, being lubricated will usually encourage your own natural lubrication. It’s kind of like your body senses that it is wet and goes, “Whee! I’m all excited!”
You should know when you are ready, so go ahead and push the dildo in. Don’t feel like you have to ram the thing home, just slide it in slowly and carefully. By now you should have a good idea of your own personal angle, so be sure to be aware that none of us are a “straight shot”.
Leave yourself some room to hold onto the dildo. If it is a plug, just utilize the base.
Now, once it is in, don’t jiggle it, just feel it in place. Clench your muscles around it. Let yourself get used to the sensation.
If you’re feeling that close, go ahead and climax, with the dildo in place. Feel the difference, feel the resistance inside.
Lovely, isn’t it?
Do basically this for a while. By “For a while” I mean either continue with the session that day or repeat several times a week.
Actually, I encourage both.
As you play, experiment with the kinds of activity you like with the dildo. Thrusting? Rotation? Back-and-forth motion? Twirling it?
Once you feel pretty comfortable and confident with the dildo, start playing with the slightly larger one.
See if you can get it inside. See how it feels to you, how it is different (or if it feels different) to you.
Switch back and forth between the two for a while, maybe a few weeks. Certainly a few days.
This might be a good time to investigate your G-Spot. There are lots of essays and how-to guides for that, and I recommend that you find one. (Or perhaps this humble author will write something on it soon.)
When you’re feeling confident and happy with the larger dildo it’s time to go shopping again.
This time look for one of the plugs or dildos that has a wedge-shape. One that is smaller at the tip and gets larger gradually. The tip should be about the size of your larger dildo (or smaller, that’s ok, too.)
Use the same method described above to work the new dildo in. Slide it (with plenty of lube!) in as far as you’re comfortable with. Put your hand around it at the point of entry and take it out. See how far you got with it. I’m willing to bet that it is farther than you thought you’d get.
Be sure to use plenty of mental imagery and fantasy while you play. Perhaps you have a specific fantasy of being played with by someone very hot. Maybe it’s more vague. Work the shape of the dildo into the fantasy.
Now you can bargain with yourself, or make deals with yourself, or just open yourself to adventure.
See how far you can slide that new dildo in. Hold it within yourself and rock against it gently.
Be sure to climax when playing with the new dildo. If you’re not able to do so while pushing yourself, offer it as a reward for a good job by removing the dildo and then stroking yourself in the way that works the best.
If you do push yourself, you will be sore afterward. Don’t let the soreness deter you. If you experience any sharp pains or long-term trauma, discontinue use immediately. Minor soreness lasts about a day and you mostly only notice it when you sit funny, pee, or wipe.
If you start to play and discover that you’re still sore, you can continue if you are able to overcome the soreness. If it is distracting, wait another day.
This process could go as quickly as a few weeks or as slowly as a year. Your timing will vary from others’. You can use the same method of buying successively larger dildoes, or do some combination work with several small ones, or you can experiment with regular objects of the correct size, but if you are using something that is not explicitly a sex toy, wrap it in a condom before inserting it. Always clean your toys afterward, of course. You can also wrap them in condoms as a measure of cleanliness. Do not give yourself an infection with a random foreign object.
If you have a partner, it would be wise (and extremely intimate) to discuss what you are doing. Your partner may wish to help you.
And I assure you, a shoehorn is not necessary.
I finished a project that I've been pondering for a while.
There's this thing about me that makes people ask me questions and question me for advice. I'm the "Wise Older Woman" to kids and teenagers who need no-bullshit advice on sex. I'm the one my friends come to for Poly advice and random sex ed questions, particularly the stuff they don't teach you in school.
I managed to create an essay that I'm proud enough of to put in this journal. I'm interested in the feedback that any of you might have for me. As usual, comments are screened. If you want your critique unscreened, let me know when you post.
I should warn everyone that this is totally NSFW. Don't let the boss catch you reading this.
How to use a shoehorn to get that in…
Or, yes, you can take that.
I don’t really mean a shoehorn. I simply want to discuss how a woman can get to know her body, its limits, and explore what she actually wants from a partner in bed.
In truth, we’re taught lots of things about sex, and there’s a lot to absorb from a multitude of sources. Even those of us who research things meticulously can be at sea when it comes to the stuff they don’t talk about in books.
Something really important to consider is that if you yourself don’t know what your body feels like, what it likes, what it can’t handle and what does nothing for it, how can you expect your partner to figure these things out?
As girls it can become very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that men all know the secrets to our most intimate parts, and it is up to them to navigate those areas and bring us to unimagined heights of ecstasy. It doesn’t actually work that way in real life. There’s some talented fellas (and girls) out there, but every woman is a different “combination lock” and sometimes the same combination doesn’t work for the same woman twice.
So here’s what I propose: Take some time when you have a moment and are feeling kind of sexy. Maybe have a shower or a bath first, if you’re a little shy with yourself. (As a side note, it’s ok to be shy with yourself.)
Get out a hand-mirror (Even a makeup compact mirror will do) and give yourself a look. If what you see doesn’t line up with what you’ve researched, then you’re perfectly normal. If it does line up with what you’ve already seen, then you’re normal, too. We’re as individual down there as we are up here on our faces.
Ok, I’m betting you know what everything is and what it’s called. Touch each part softly and say the name to yourself. Look and touch, then close your eyes and think about where you’re touching.
Once you get to know your places and what they feel like, you can do some exploring. Build a fantasy for yourself. Touch yourself while you fantasize and go ahead and get yourself off.
Now, once you cool off, ask yourself what made that work for you. Was most of your stimulation external or internal? Did you tease yourself then increase pressure, or did you jump right in and gallop for the goal? Did you touch your clit directly or indirectly?
You’re taking inventory because you’ve just figured out what your combination lock is. Here’s the cool part: you can reset that lock, and create other combinations for yourself.
To get yourself more comfortable with penetration, start with your own fingers. It will not be the same as having someone else touch you, as I’m sure you’re aware. With the direct feedback, you can learn some important things about yourself. It may be easier to deal with if you also stroke yourself in your accustomed way while you do this. Fingering yourself is trickier than having someone else finger you in that you have limited angles with which to work, but go ahead and play with it this way for a while.
Use one finger, and then if that starts to really feel good, work up to two. Use as many as you are comfortable with, if you feel like you’re pushing your boundaries, go back one.
Now look at your hand. Look at the number of fingers you were using and remember that you’re going to start with something approximately that large.
Here’s the thing: A dildo might not be the perfect tool for this. Something you can consider is that they do make very small butt-plugs, and I assure you that those plugs are good for more than just butts.
You never have to put yours in your butt if you don’t want to, of course.
Buy a dildo or plug that seems to be as big around as the fingers you were using. Now buy one a little bigger.
Buy some lube, too. Something that smells good to you, and don’t grab one of the warming ones.
The next time you have a chance where you have some time to yourself, (and this might be the minute you get home!) settle in for a good time.
At this point I would recommend that you do something that stimulates you erotically. If you like to read erotic fiction, do that. If you like to watch video, do that. If you construct mental fantasies, do that. If you have a friend you can have phone or internet sex with, do that.
But don’t touch yourself yet.
Use your favorite medium to get yourself worked up. Be excited before you start.
Play with the fantasy in your head and then start to touch yourself. You might want to work with fingers first as a warm up.
Now, at this point I’m going to suggest that if you know that you need a long time to reset after you orgasm, you should hold off on climaxing for a bit. If you don’t need a pause between, or are multi-orgasmic, I actually recommend that you go ahead and climax before you get into insertion play. It will make you more relaxed and it will make the penetration much MUCH easier.
If you don’t really know yet which way things work for you, experiment. You can always stop and try again later, after all.
**Important note!** If you are still in possession of your hymen, you will want to proceed with extreme caution. All of this advice about being worked up is still entirely valid. IF you just rip the thing it’s going to hurt like a bitch! You can also go to your OBGYN and have it removed. If your GYN gives you static, SWITCH DOCTORS.
When you have worked yourself up pretty well, take the smaller dildo and set it against the opening of your vagina. Continue to masturbate, but rub that dildo against the opening. If you are not very wet, add lube. A little bit goes a long way, but don’t be afraid to hose yourself down with the stuff. Often times, difficulty with penetration is related to the fact that the area wasn’t lubricated enough. Also, being lubricated will usually encourage your own natural lubrication. It’s kind of like your body senses that it is wet and goes, “Whee! I’m all excited!”
You should know when you are ready, so go ahead and push the dildo in. Don’t feel like you have to ram the thing home, just slide it in slowly and carefully. By now you should have a good idea of your own personal angle, so be sure to be aware that none of us are a “straight shot”.
Leave yourself some room to hold onto the dildo. If it is a plug, just utilize the base.
Now, once it is in, don’t jiggle it, just feel it in place. Clench your muscles around it. Let yourself get used to the sensation.
If you’re feeling that close, go ahead and climax, with the dildo in place. Feel the difference, feel the resistance inside.
Lovely, isn’t it?
Do basically this for a while. By “For a while” I mean either continue with the session that day or repeat several times a week.
Actually, I encourage both.
As you play, experiment with the kinds of activity you like with the dildo. Thrusting? Rotation? Back-and-forth motion? Twirling it?
Once you feel pretty comfortable and confident with the dildo, start playing with the slightly larger one.
See if you can get it inside. See how it feels to you, how it is different (or if it feels different) to you.
Switch back and forth between the two for a while, maybe a few weeks. Certainly a few days.
This might be a good time to investigate your G-Spot. There are lots of essays and how-to guides for that, and I recommend that you find one. (Or perhaps this humble author will write something on it soon.)
When you’re feeling confident and happy with the larger dildo it’s time to go shopping again.
This time look for one of the plugs or dildos that has a wedge-shape. One that is smaller at the tip and gets larger gradually. The tip should be about the size of your larger dildo (or smaller, that’s ok, too.)
Use the same method described above to work the new dildo in. Slide it (with plenty of lube!) in as far as you’re comfortable with. Put your hand around it at the point of entry and take it out. See how far you got with it. I’m willing to bet that it is farther than you thought you’d get.
Be sure to use plenty of mental imagery and fantasy while you play. Perhaps you have a specific fantasy of being played with by someone very hot. Maybe it’s more vague. Work the shape of the dildo into the fantasy.
Now you can bargain with yourself, or make deals with yourself, or just open yourself to adventure.
See how far you can slide that new dildo in. Hold it within yourself and rock against it gently.
Be sure to climax when playing with the new dildo. If you’re not able to do so while pushing yourself, offer it as a reward for a good job by removing the dildo and then stroking yourself in the way that works the best.
If you do push yourself, you will be sore afterward. Don’t let the soreness deter you. If you experience any sharp pains or long-term trauma, discontinue use immediately. Minor soreness lasts about a day and you mostly only notice it when you sit funny, pee, or wipe.
If you start to play and discover that you’re still sore, you can continue if you are able to overcome the soreness. If it is distracting, wait another day.
This process could go as quickly as a few weeks or as slowly as a year. Your timing will vary from others’. You can use the same method of buying successively larger dildoes, or do some combination work with several small ones, or you can experiment with regular objects of the correct size, but if you are using something that is not explicitly a sex toy, wrap it in a condom before inserting it. Always clean your toys afterward, of course. You can also wrap them in condoms as a measure of cleanliness. Do not give yourself an infection with a random foreign object.
If you have a partner, it would be wise (and extremely intimate) to discuss what you are doing. Your partner may wish to help you.
And I assure you, a shoehorn is not necessary.
